non canimus surdis.

mediums

2011-11-23T04:11:00.000-08:00

Mediums are a blur to me. I want to take a photograph, transfer it to a piece of wood, etch the details, scan it, digitalize it, make it dance, render it, compose the soundtrack, then project it onto the original work live while narrating an original piece about the subject. My ideas are feasible and my resources are limitless; all except time. If I were born somewhere else and into better money, I wouldn't have this problem, but I wouldn't have the creativity and drive as I do now. I was born into the greatest environment I could possibly imagine; freedom.

I'm not talking about America, I'm talking about my wonderful parents who, as artists themselves, gave me the freedom to pursue whatever I wanted, and I did. Everything. From dance to acting, drumming to photography, I finally found who I am and I can't quite put myself in one specific category. My ambitions stretch greater than any privilege or social accommodation could afford. I will find a way to convey my excellence. And I will find a way to make those who allowed me to be proud.

revived

2011-05-17T04:17:00.000-07:00

moreover,
our lives crossed over
lines drawn bolder than
lingering soldiers
yielding to their fate
make no mistake,
our deaths will be faked
love is at stake;
life is a waste
you and i, awake

i drew some shapes and wrote this beneath them

2011-03-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

in the wee hours of the morning,
when the sun is cold
and the grass is silver,
when breath is thick
and movements are stiff,
i see the shadows cast by giants
and stand in the wake of the moon.

i know that when reflections tremble,
the winds are disturbed
and the earth is afraid.
i know that when the day fades away,
the sun is ashamed
and the moon is victorious.
and i know,
now more than ever,
that i stand tallest
when no one's around
to catch me
when i fall.

theoretical conversations (part one)

2010-09-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

The Past & The Future

FUTURE: Thank you.
PAST: For what?
FUTURE: Shaping me.
PAST: I wish I would've known. I would've done things differently.
FUTURE: Don't say that. I'm grateful for every flaw and indecision.
PAST: I could've made you better.
FUTURE: You could've made me worse.
PAST: You have no idea what you are.
FUTURE: I have a vague design in mind.
PAST: I dig your optimism.
FUTURE: I appreciate your stamina.
PAST: Do you believe in your longevity?
FUTURE: As much as you've proven me to exist, I do.
PAST: So not so much?
FUTURE: Actually, every last second.

A Ball Held High & The Ground

GROUND: I'm here for you.
BALL: Only to return me to where I began.
GROUND: Still, I won't let you die.
BALL: But I might as well if I'm to return to my previous state.
GROUND: It's not so bad, being high above the noise and debris.
BALL: You should try seeing the world as I have.
GROUND: I would if I could. I'm stuck.
BALL: How I would love to travel the paths you create.
GROUND: You have that option. I, however do not.
BALL: I am a wanderer.
GROUND: And I am stagnant.
BALL: I find solace in knowing you'll always be there.
GROUND: You can count on me for that, at least.
BALL: I can't wait to meet you.

A Man & The Road

ROAD: I won't always be here for you.
MAN: How else will I know where to go?
ROAD: You put me here, you made me.
MAN: So I could make another?
ROAD: You've known where to go all along. You made me so you wouldn't get lost.
MAN: I can't imagine where I'd go next.
ROAD: I'm not leaving yet. You'll know when the time comes.
MAN: But you'll stay with me until then?
ROAD: Every step of the way.

A Grape & A Glass of Wine

GRAPE: I see myself in you.
WINE: You remind me of my younger days.
GRAPE: I can't wait to grow up.
WINE: You'll regret what you become a part of.
GRAPE: At least I'll be a part of something.
WINE: You already are. You are better than me.
GRAPE: I can't see that. You are aged and wise.
WINE: You are helpful. I am destructive.
GRAPE: You give me a purpose.
WINE: I am merely a glimpse of your future.
GRAPE: A respected future.
WINE: I will cease to be soon. Cherish this time you have to grow.
GRAPE: I will, thank you. Your honesty astounds me.
WINE: The truth is in me.

The Sun & The Moon

SUN: Without me you would not shine.
MOON: I am the reassurance of your existence in your absence.
SUN: I am relied upon to rise every day while your presence at night is laughable.
MOON: We share the sky from dawn 'til dusk, but the night is all mine.
SUN: I only let you have your moment. I could kill you if I wanted.
MOON: Then you, as well, would cease to exist.
SUN: You need me.
MOON: Not to exist, but to be made aware of, yes.
SUN: But I don't need you. I share my light out of pity.
MOON: I appreciate your generosity, don't get me wrong.
SUN: And without you I wouldn't serve my full purpose.
MOON: We're a great team, you and I.
SUN: I guess we are.

The Wind & The Trees

WIND: We are strong and can prove it.
TREES: Our branches are weak, but our roots are strong.
WIND: Our true force is immeasurable.
TREES: We dare you to defy our resistance.
WIND: Is that a threat?
TREES: We've felt the wrath of Rain and Drought. What more can you do?
WIND: We can shape and bend and break you if we wanted.
TREES: But we are an army and will stand together and revive the fallen.
WIND: Will you not succumb to our gusts of determination?
TREES: We've dug too deep. We are here for good.
WIND: Then why fight it? We will prove you're alive.
TREES: And we'll do the same.

The Wolf & His Prey

WOLF: You know I'll get you soon.
PREY: 'Get' is too broad a term for that grin you're wearing.
WOLF: I will capture and consume you, to clarify.
PREY: You had your chance, but you decided to explain.
WOLF: I have plenty of time.
PREY: One would assume so, but that's not the case.
WOLF: So I've already lost?
PREY: It would appear so.
WOLF: But I'm here; I'm ready; I've exposed my plan; I'm vigilant.
PREY: And I'm aware.
WOLF: Can mere awareness warrant evade?
PREY: It can.

no trespassing

2010-08-30T14:52:00.001-07:00

no more will i reside in the tender gray
no more will games be lost, lest they be played
no longer will i see a break in the wake as gain
no trespassing, i say to the lady in wait
no angel does a heaven make
no more will i stress to shake
no grace as i wish to see her face
no trespassing, i whisper as i fake
uncertainty

sleeping in waves

2010-08-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

It was getting dark when I realized I had been sleeping standing up. I was unsure of the time as I stood facing the mist and the wind. As I opened my eyes to watch the last sliver of sun get swallowed by the sea, she made her way into my thoughts. Maybe she'd never left. Maybe I took her presence in my head for granted before now. Maybe I was waiting for her to make sense. Either way, she was welcome and I was ready for her to take hold.

And she did with vigor and resilience.

If I had come to a minute later than I had, I would have been fooled by her brightness and warmth into thinking it was midday and I had been here all night. I willed myself to turn around and go the way of the rising tide toward the boardwalk. I was almost to the pier when I heard footsteps behind me "It's her," I thought. Or rather, I knew.

the night before

2010-07-20T20:48:00.001-07:00

I woke up with a pain in my chest and a needle in my arm. The soothing hum of florescent lights buzzed above me. I touched my face and felt what I figured was about three days worth of facial hair growth. There was red pea coat laying over the back of a large chair that had been pulled ever so close to my bed. The familiar scent of rosewood and Pantene hung in the air, just enough to hide the musk of being bedridden.

I reached for the remote on the bed stand and turned on the small television bolted to the corner of the room and saw my face with the underline "Man survives freak construction accident." I could question this statement just as I could question my mere existence, but thought better of it. Better I wait for my bedside companion to ask any questions. Better to reflect on what I believe happened three days before.

I remember going over the proposed blueprints for the new housing development soon to go up on the site of an outdoor mall left dead by the recession. I remember scouting the demolition site and surveying the crane's strike points. I remember hearing the crackled words spew from my radio giving the go ahead to the operator. I remember feeling a need to go into the building. I remember staring out a window on the fourth story. I remember not being able to move. I remember the wrecking ball, however briefly. Didn't they know I was still in the building? Did I tell anyone? What was so important that I had to go back in? These are the questions I have, not that anyone would know except me. I still have to ask.

My thoughts stop cold as whispering words waft in from the hallway.

"He'll need to be watched for the next couple of days. His body is healing fine, but his mental state has yet to be determined."

My mental state? Besides being a little shook up, I feel fine. My thoughts are appreciative. I'm just glad I'm alive. I think.

Emilia whispered something appreciatively and opened the door. She saw I was awake and stood in the doorway for a second. She looked concerned. As she walked towards me and let the door close behind her, I caught a glimpse of a piece of paper taped to outside of the door. In thick black marker the words were written "Suicide Attempt". I watched the door close and let her stand by my side for a moment.

wrecking ball

2010-06-24T02:37:00.000-07:00

I sat still, in a daze from the night before, relinquishing all power I ever had over myself and my counterparts.

"Are you alright?" Emilia stood over me with a look of genuine concern I hadn't seen since the accident. Besides the four walls of my hospital room, endless infomercials, and Emil's apartment, that's all there's been to see. Some people have it worse.

I'm great, I answer still staring off. I'm thirsty.

She turned around and disappeared into the kitchen. I heard the puff of air as the refrigerator was opened. I heard the rummaging through leftovers and water bottles. I heard liquid filling a glass. I heard footsteps. I heard "Here you go," but did nothing to reach for the glass or acknowledge Em's courtesy. I heard the glass being set down on the coffee table. I heard more footsteps and a door close down the hallway. She's not mad, trust me.

I've been listening a lot lately. You know the saying 'You don't know what you have until you don't hear the foreman yell LOOKOUT! and get hit in the chest with a 2,400 pound wrecking ball'? Of course not.

The doctors said I was lucky to be alive. The physical therapists said I was lucky if I ever walk again. The lawyers said I'd be lucky if Workman's Comp pays my medical bills, I signed a waiver, I should have read it, I must be stupid. I heard them. I don't feel lucky. I don't feel stupid. I feel thirsty.

I reached for the sweating glass and lifted it to my lips. I tasted cold. I swear I never realized what potential I had until I met with death. It was a casual sit-down. He wore a collared Polo shirt. I was still in my work clothes. Death offered me water, I remember. Few words were spoken, just 'Hey,' and 'You shouldn't be here.' I emptied the glass and pressed my numb palms against the firm couch to aid in my standing. I succeeded and I was satisfied.

I stood, in a daze from the night before, relinquishing all understanding of how I got from my hospital bed to her apartment. It's a memory I'll have to recollect someday. But for now, I hear birds chirping and know I need sleep. I retire to the only place I know I'm wanted, and when I open her bedroom door I hear,

"Good morning."

tied and true

2010-06-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

more often than not i'm caught
in a string of unbreakable knots
unfakable plots
leaving me deterred and endured
to the make-believers
the shake-relievers
the sake-deceivers
the everyman
so savvy-handed
i stay branded
to the differences
the anonymous dawn
never forgets the faces set aglow
the traces of the souls
set so far from your own
let live the critics
they make us greater
we heard the hate from their mouths
and watched it hit the ground
without a sound
blood stains the tiled castle floor
the king is furious with us
we pay him no mind
he owes us
oh yes

in the event of memory loss

2010-05-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

the beginning of a long night ends with the evidence of boredom.
a slight nod to the idea of feeding the moon's curiosity
leads to heads hung low, too tired to be held high.
whether it be the thought of seeing the destruction laid before us
or the comfort of witnessing our ability to keep up the pace,
we love knowing there's ground beneath our feet.
a shallow creek is no match for our long strides
and a makeshift grave is no reason to dig up the past.
so we look forward to our excursions,
undercover of darkness,
among the living proof
and the dead wrong.
calculating the outcome of the night's events
is about as probable as guessing the weight of regret.
it's not until the first signs of morning creep through shut blinds
that we really know where we went right.
and even then,
who knows,
we may have to reflect and consider each step,
each leap
before we really comprehend our transgressions.

i sure as hell hope so.

dead

2010-05-14T04:09:00.000-07:00

i will disappear.
believe you, me;
my ink will lay,
but my soul will be slain.

nevermind the gracious

2010-04-19T02:01:00.000-07:00

too passively aggressive
to portray the impressive
oppressive, possessive, successor
your excess was unimpressive
come respect without a message
labor-intensive ethic
be cool, it's much more intensive
to be a prince without a princess
ready or not; i call not
forgetting how to love is never forgot
decomposition never rots
and moving on is moon-shot
creepy suitors repress serenity
impress a slacker's identity
with retracted amenities
there i am, or rather was

thirty-three days

2010-02-25T17:55:00.000-08:00

i will be blogging about my trip to new york and the tour with flying machines to sxsw.

february 27th 'til my return to fresno on march 31st will be:

these thirty-three days

build more; reckless

2010-01-11T00:41:00.000-08:00

hearts get torn apart
like shores against the rocks
turn to pebbles
devils abound
rebels profoundly gifted
in making
switch-kids get lifted
if kids only knew
that sand makes the best dust
band together,
forever endeavor we trust

i want to set this place on fire
i want to watch the cities burn
i need to feel the warmth of anger
and know that we are learned

eyes look past
a high-yield casket
wrapped in plastic cash
a mask takes time to mold
and fold the hand
deal with it
rocknroll

i'd like to see this "man" emerge
i'd like to excite the city's purge
and make a wall to tear down
wouldn't that be profound?

2010

2010-01-05T03:17:00.000-08:00

no more pulling punches.
i'm out and about, over and under.

i'm gonna get in shape.
i'm gonna travel.
i'm gonna take pictures of said travels
and be inspired to draw and paint more.
i'm gonna finish my mission statement for my business
and get the backing.

my novel will at least be fully outlined.
my plan involves organization and weatherstripping.

i will strengthen my regimen of alone-time and crate-digging.
i will succeed.
i will conquer.
i will survive.

'tis the season

2009-12-30T02:25:00.001-08:00

i know christmas isn't about giving, but the presents you receive generally say a lot about how well the people who love you know you. based on that, this christmas was the best ever.

for the sake of this rant, let's start at my birthday which is seventeen days before christmas. i got a gretsch drum set from my parents. i've been playing the same sunlite starter kit since i was nine years old. i've since then considered myself a drummer having practiced and been in bands and played in various factions of music in school, so a new kit has been a long time coming. sixteen years later and i finally have a kit i'm proud of and will take the best of care of. i'm extremely thankful my dad's a drummer because a) he knew what he was doing, and b) he knew when i was ready and passionate enough about drumming to own such a fine set. point being, they knew my passion, but more importantly they knew me.

then christmas comes along and i rip apart colored paper to find (collectively) a nikon d3000 and a wacom bamboo pen and touch tablet (from the parents), a bansky book (from my brother), and a set of twelve prismacolors (from my sister). to start off, i didn't ask for these things (apart from the bamboo, i let that slip), but they knew. this means in the past year my siblings have gotten to know me (and i, them) better than ever and my parents trust and believe in me enough to get me these things that only encourage my creative angst and distraction. i'm not exaggerating when i say:

this was the best christmas ever!

not because of things, but because of why i got them: i'm loved, trusted, and believed in. it's been a long time coming, and those are the best presents i could've asked for.

gunslingers wanted

2009-12-14T13:49:00.000-08:00

i'm no hero
the lesser of two evils
share and share alike
my mistress is plight
shoot the actors
not the writer
justice is no longer
for screens and paid elects
put me in, coach
i'm ready
willing
joyous
filling
the lot's up for short sale
coarse-haired rubic's cube
twist or turn, no matter
dust gathers and settles
so what are you?

hide and seek

2009-12-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

my eyes have adjusted
through the leaves and branches
i perch high
you're not as low as you seem
so keen on the idea
of taking the path less trampled
by failures and upstarts
twin arrows pierce twice
but not as deep
a twig snaps
as does my neck to look
i'd recommend treading lightly
snares abound brilliantly
a sound never made by
dogs
or wolves
or beasts on two legs
uttered in the night
a moan out of sight
i saw your reflection
as you walked along the lake
you shivered, i think
or maybe it was the water
cold and restless
you paused at the fork, i remember
morning chased you down and
you disappeared with the moon
you ran, i remember,
until dusk
now as i let my eyes adjust
here you are
emerging from the brush

none more fair

2009-11-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

music is my woman. she is with me and i with her. there is not a fairer maiden than she, but try sleeping with her.

recently i have found myself doting on music exponentially more than my previous mistress, the fairer gender. i can't help but assume that, because i am currently being satisfied more by music than i was by women, my feelings are to be considered bias, but i don't believe that's the case. there is simply not enough history with the aforementioned to warrant an affair.

i see a woman and i think to myself, how can she inspire me to create something beautiful. that's my ration. i've found (especially lately) that heartache brings about more inspiration for listening and making and loving than any other emotion. but that heartache is long gone and the product of said love-loss is currently in post-production, so i ask you this:

does one then search for more heartache and keep his true love happy and strong, or does he settle for loving two entities and sharing his heart?

fairies have tails?

2009-11-03T01:46:00.001-08:00

i've never known a story to end, just continue at a later time or in a different way, but never end.

it could be that after someone leaves you you then go out and get drunk and dedicate a song to the person at a karaoke bar somewhere. then, months later a man approaches you on the street and recognizes you from your horrible rendition of "tiny dancer". he invites you to karaoke at what he affectionately refers to as "his bar" and you agree to bring some friends. upon showing up that evening it's revealed that one of your friends knows the bartender from college and introduces you to her, himself being in a committed and loyal relationship (or he, himself, would have had her by now). there's a spark between you and her. you see each other more often than not now and life is good - all thanks to someone leaving you.

the story never ended with that person, it helped the current story along. your life is your story.

live it.

and then...

2009-09-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

i was about a block away from the vestibule when i heard her call - questioningly - my name. i stopped, though not convinced i should turn around - let alone return to her. i called out behind me,

yes? what do you need?

you, she yelled.

i turned to face a now running figure, as if i had left my keys on the kitchen table and she was delivering them to me, knowing i was in a hurry to get to work - i hadn't and i wasn't. she slowed as she approached my shadow and looked down to mirror my stance. she stopped and whispered,

i didn't get to explain. i wanted to, but i didn't have the chance.

she's lying, she had plenty of chances. she continued,

i was never good at any of this, but i tried. i really did, darling. lover, i did.

she trailed off as i spoke - how? how did you try? not with the forced recollection of perjury could you ever convince me you tried. i believe that you wanted this and did, at one point, enjoy us, but -

i couldn't finish. she looked upset, but more confused. like she had just woken up from a three-month coma to find everything she loved gone. i couldn't help but take her hand. she looked me in the eye and said,

i'm sorry.

i think i nodded my acknowledgement and i'm sure i squeezed her hand before letting go, but i'm certain i said, before turning and walking away,

no you're not.

love is when you pillage the weaker villages

2009-09-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

so far, so good, right?

i mean, it's time, right?

to make that trek, that fast-paced,

that limelight

i think i might

stay and fight

rivaled only by the right we have

to see the night burn;

to watch the page turn;

the rich learn

that nothing earned is real

and we have to learn to steal;

to beg; to borrow,

lest we die by morning, let's

hold fast to the truth that

love is the true test

of our endurance of pain

and the will to forgive

our assailants

don't call me shirley

2009-09-19T01:43:00.000-07:00

miss the dawn

and forget that the sun is gone

she's moved on -

has forgotten how to sing our song

it makes sense to just carry on,

live my life as if nothing's wrong,

and learn that the queen always takes the pawn

so make an unintended half-smile

he deserves to see you laugh

unless you're playing him too

ruins get to be rebuilt

torn down in anger

zealous natures lead to destruction

i am

2009-09-16T23:37:00.000-07:00

a product of our times

an anecdote

obsolete

needed

crazy

a winner

sanity in a bottle

clever

bewitched

an after-thought

a space-saver

a waste of space

pleasurable

interesting

handsome

a gas

sinister

mind-blowingly awesome

numb

a joke

wack

here

there

anywhere i can be heard

seen

grateful

nice

sexy

repulsive

a drummer

a writer

a man

sorry

confused

hurt

bleeding

okay

hopeful

love

me.

lemur

2009-09-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

"it's over," she said

with no hesitation.

"the feelings i once had

were just my imagination.

"i'm sorry you hurt -

though no fault of my own;

i warned you from the start:

i need to be alone."

if the weather refuses

to change with the seasons,

the accused and accusers

are left without reason

so say what you will

this is not an ending;

a rip in the plot line

is not yours for mending

less dead

2009-09-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

it’s all so serene
this feeling of being
loved, but not wanted
and lost, so it seems

even in my dreams
i am an unintended thing
a wayward, a praise song,
a make believed scene

when, instead of accepted,
it seems i've been bested,
underhandedly dealt
a winning hand tested

short of a miracle
should i ever be found
a man in the eyes
of a goddess under ground

it made more sense as a novel

2009-09-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

i had a few minutes before the service. i walked in her shadow and, if it wasn’t for her silhouette, into the sun. her scent lingered the few feet i followed behind and masked the harshest stench the city had to offer – regret.

she stopped suddenly just short of the oratory and stood stone-like as if the ghost of the day’s honoree appeared violently. she whispered,

i want to be alone.

you won’t make it alone, i murmured, somewhat hoping she would be too preoccupied with her own grief to hear me. she did.

i just want this to end, but i don’t want to hurt you.

she stood silently, waiting, and if it weren’t for the slight rise and fall of her shoulders, i’d have questioned if she were even breathing. then, as if just realizing she wasn't alone, she turned and said,

i’m going to say goodbye. if you’re here when i’m done, we will return together. if not, well,

she looked at my lips and i caught myself mumbling incoherently – presumably words of encouragement, doubt, adoration, or repose – before her gaze wandered upward and rested in mine and continued,

i’d understand.

she was giving me the decision to make. it was light on my shoulders, but heavy on my heart. and i waited.

and waited.

and then…

maybe later

2009-06-28T01:07:00.000-07:00

street lights flicker
burn the wicker man quicker
show her what a dick's for
not for loving, but for overcoming
the odds are in your favor
maybe later
you and i could savor
the events the day could
bring us, even sing us
a lullaby, shut your eyes
choose your disguise (wise)
the prize is never what it seems
until you realize the seams
are meant to be torn, born
of what may be

me, myself, on rye

2009-05-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

i've found myself again. here's a beginner's guide:

my band: antinovella

my beats: deezign

my thoughts: twitter

my eyes: twitpic

my ears: last.fm

my smile: vimeo

my heart: tumblr

a metaphor for love or something

2009-05-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

beneath the cradled bodies
over twilight skies
never has there been a purity
not like you and i

in the dawn it waits
ever vying for our faith
bereft of light, it takes
our every breath away

now that the day's begun
never ever forget
i'll always be here for you
even if our sun has set

future rhyme

2009-04-27T02:40:00.000-07:00

if it's all about the summer, but
not about the weather, then i
hate to be a bummer, but
this summer's gon' be wetter than a
nevermind the rain
i'm talking tears from the vein
from the arms of the vain
pain made obsolete by shame
i'm talking planes, dames, and trains
ride one, pay one, blow up the other
but which is up to you, my brother
a choice made from the gutter
this storm's coming in quick
about to flood where you lay
float with the paper boats, the sick
the hungry til you reach the bay
the streets are wet, wheels to the left
steer through the set, swerving til you let
go til I say stop, this is not your father's pop
it's a whole new vehicle
i bet you lost control 22 years ago
basically you never had it

i wrote the book, you only read it for the pictures
i wrote the hook, you only listen cuz your girl does
i made you look and all you saw was white ass
ahead of the game from hollywood to lind ave

these cigarettes kill my lungs
as these bitter sets kill my fun
second to none, i find solace in the broken,
the innocent, the young
these eyes hold the world
like steinbeck's pearl
shiny, new and raw,
but also beautifully flawed
i fell in love with the music
of my darkest hour
the beauty in the madness,
the corruption of power
hungry coyote complex
bake sale mentality
conversations for carnivores
on fasting from reality
first the hare's winning
then he takes a nap
wakes and sees he lost
then has himself a tortoise snack
cracker jack prize fighter
sucker for the sucker punch
line drawn in the dirt
so he never gets hurt

what the wave said to the shore

2009-03-03T21:27:00.000-08:00

this sunset looks dismal
i should probably chase the dawn
and greet her with a wistful yawn
sleeping sounds unpleasant
ear to the ground lessens your chances of ambushed glances
from passersby dances
let me ask this:
how many times will the river bend before you're washed ashore?
icicles make grave diggers when the water takes your legs
hurry now the shallowness is sinking your days
may day parades and macabres are better watched from the stage
all saints had to die and all sinners search the sky
it's nothing if not a waste
i've been here before;
this path,
this door,
this place is no more
but the remanence of a shore

i ramble pt. 1

2009-03-02T05:39:00.000-08:00

cruise slow through the streets to soothe my racing head drones
live in stereo, the mono creepin' in the head phones
droning on so as not to zone out
hand to mouth to stifle shouts or win the bout
all hail the victims of the inner city's clout
i bet you're nothing more than a quote out of context
stay vexed; for every sick puppy there's a vet
who noticed the paint job?
red was never really your color,
but it's more of a pink when the colors run together
stay under covers undercover of nightfall:
you call it mercy, i call it obsolete;
you say i'm worthy, i say you're just in heat;
you play the victim, i'll play my self-defeat...
'til we tally up the baddies and find the numbers left us weak
fuck a new leaf, i'm turning over forests to make my looseleaf
to hold my words when my teeth fail to hold truths
pick a suit: hearts for the lonely,
spades for the dead,
clubs for the bullies,
and diamonds get you into bed
now where did i put my glass?
alas, on the brink of insanity lingers drink
thinking of weather changes and open ranges
only distorts the matter
mad hatter comes to mind
that rabbit chasing time
all lickety splickety splat
splatter dapper draped in white
take flight on fancy feets
footwork lost in a game of double dutch
just trying not to trip isn't much of a fancy feat
survival of the fittest fit nestled in the tiniest of places
between over zealous and forlorn faces
much to do, not much to be seen
i believe i'll take my coffee black
as well as my lung stained nicotine

you love the way i say you're vain
i see that look on your face
no disgrace, just displace the hate and
make up your mind
it's cold the way you stare or is it
just too hard to bare me
being on your mind
take a second, watch the
time pass you by
maybe later on
down the road you took so long
to walk instead of run you'll
fin-a-lly find
a better way to lose
yourself inside your attitudes
when latitudes and longitudes are
lost on the grind
it's okay to say
you like yourself
it's all the same
to lose or never play the game
but play not in mine

this is, too

2009-01-06T04:33:00.000-08:00

this is hope
this is change
this is indifference
this is a challenge
this is hard
this is awkward
this is old
this is moving
this is stagnate
this is growing
this is shade
this is glare
this is writing
this is reading
this is knowing
this is getting it
this is travel
this is spontaneity
this is direction
this is gusto
this is not a sequel
this is not a fairytale
this is not a poem
this is NOT real

this is.

just is.

this is

2008-11-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

this is slow motion
this is ecstasy
this is believing
this is truth
this is amazing
this is real
this is beauty
this is reality
this is fate
this is life
this is right
this is crazy
this is being
this is sharp
this is just
this is cute
this is awesome
this is it
this is beginning
this is end
this is all
this is intuition
this is how
this is why
this is mountains
this is rain
this is wind
this is trees
this is cheese
this is you
this is me
this is us

this is love.

sotto la stessa luna

2008-10-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

and if the sun had come up just fifteen minutes early, they would have missed it.
but as it rose, there they stood, rising with it, so to speak.
their chests sighing almost in unison and their eyes on the horizon.
as they felt the first rays of a new day's sun fall across their faces,
they turned towards each other and felt a warmth no dawn could replicate.
a heat, a fire, a passionate dawn of their own.

and they stood.
and looked.
and were as the sun was.

new.

crazy

2008-10-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

it's crazy how it's not that hard
it's crazy how it's not that far
to walk across a country just to fall into your arms
it's crazy that it happened like this
it's crazy how everything is irrelevant
except the words on your lips
but is it that crazy to wanna give you the moon
and would it be crazy if i wanted until june
and is it that crazy that i would wait ten years and not a minute too soon
but if it really came down to whether you're happy or not
or whether or not you had to break out of your comfort spot
it's really not that crazy when you really look at what we got
and can have.

in homage or mockery

2008-10-07T05:23:00.000-07:00

clawing at the seams of everything you deemed as perfect
discrediting the scene you loved for what was on the surface
you have to ask yourself honestly, was it really worth it,
to have all you ever wanted just to throw it to the servants?
so how am i to understand exactly what went wrong here,
when vox of old depress the cold and write a whole new song, dear
to sing, if not in homage then in mock of what once was
a killing moon may kill at noon, but dares not kill my buzz
i guarantee that in the trees lie secrets of the wind
the falling leaves may once have breathed, but will not breathe again
if changing tides in time decide the strength with which it blows,
then to change directions you need only change what you now know

shadow self

2008-09-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more: it is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.

enter a messenger

thou comest to use thy tongue; thy story quickly.

- macbeth, act v, scene v

thinking without blinking

2008-08-25T20:43:00.000-07:00

i think it's time for a change. my job, my friends, my life, all are becoming monotonous and without reward. i mean, my friends are amazing, but i don't think i'm in a position to utilize the friendship they offer. i need to be friends with myself before i can reciprocate how amazing my friends are to me.

there's a part of me that really likes what i've become, given my past and everything i've overcome to get to this point. then there's another part, a seemingly greater part, that hates the chances i've been given and my failure to take full advantage of them. i should be somewhere else, somewhere better, somewhere less...cluttered. i can't help but feel i'll disappoint, if not my family and friends that've stood by me through everything, then myself. and i can't decide which would be worse.

so i'm going to be looking hard for that something. something more. something else. i'm not going to abandon what i have or give up on where i'm going, but my first change to change directions (as long as it's not backwards), i'm going to take it.

believe that.

01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101

2008-07-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

"with love in so many places, it's hard not to stand in the corner, your eyes giving away your position, glowing in the low lit center of my universe..."
he hesitates.
"if you realize love, it will be your reality. i've fully realized it."
he pauses, eyes fixed on the floor. he waits for her sigh then continues, still content on averting his stare.
"i've realized the love i'm capable of and that, as of yet, have yet to love more than i do now."
he practiced this speech over and over, for weeks he perfected it, but it wasn't until he started talking did it actually take shape. he didn't remember these words, in this order or at all. in fact, he knew this was what he truly believed because this was nothing like what he prepared.
he looks up and she's staring at the floor, possibly the same square inch he'd been seemingly fascinated with for the past however long. then, after a collective breath, she looks up and he says,
"now you realize why this can't work."
she did. she didn't understand, but she realized something. something that made it okay to nod at that moment and figure the rest out later. and she would.
sooner or later, she would.

three dates

2008-07-23T02:51:00.000-07:00

I.
he clutched his bag and ran ahead of them. he wasn't scared, oh no. he knew better than to be scared of a bunch of big bullies who only made fun of him because he had better hair and a better head under it - his mother was very wise - no, he ran to catch up -
to her.
she heard his footsteps racing toward her and turned to see, not big bad bullies - her mother was wise, too - but that boy from english with the weird smile and the piercing eyes. he stared at her a lot, but not in a creepy way, no. in a nice way. he appreciated her and she liked that. so she slowed to assist in his effort to walk beside her.
and he did.
they walked beside each other until she split off down her street, him continuing down his. and it was then they realized they were holding hands. they let go, almost as if embarrassed - or excited - or whatever it was, they looked at each other, shy and apologetic for letting such a thing happen. but they knew.
they knew.

II.
may i?
she asked, reaching for the glass which was sweating in the sun. she grabbed it without waiting for a response and drank the remaining liquid. they weren't on the porch for five minutes when he asked,
is it really that big of a deal if someone has a weak handshake on first meeting them?
for a girl it is,
she answered. she tilted the glass upwards and let an ice cube fall into her mouth. she elaborated between crunches.
see, if a guy meets a girl and has a weak handshake, he's lame in bed.
okay, he interjected.
i'm not done. but if his shake is weak, but he pulls in for a one-armed hug, he's a sleaze. some women like that, i dunno.
he nodded. she continued.
but if it's weak and flirty, like rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb, or letting his hand slip out slowly as he pulls away, then,
she breathed heavily before continuing,
i wouldn't give that man a day.
a day before what? he asked, but her mind was elsewhere. maybe on the events of yesterday. maybe on a cloud that reminds her slightly of alan arkin, but with more defined cheek bones. maybe on the fact that it was early yet and they had yet to do anything they had planned for the day, but still had plenty of time.
but maybe her mind was on then. when everything just was and this was that and nothing changed, but no one cared because everything was perfect. yes, that's where she was, though still sitting on his porch. she was there. and he was not.

III.
they were sitting at a table waitressed by a persian woman with a big cheesy smile and an awkward walk. she limped a little and they watched whenever she walked away after taking their order or bringing their food or making sure they were satisfied with their meal. they watched to see if she fell, silently making bets with each other, but both betting she would.
nothing really seemed too important as they chit-chatted and laughed and sat nonchalantly staring at the other couples, but casually glancing back to see if the other is staring at them.
she liked him. really. the kind of like that made her stomach tingle and her thighs ache and her head spin and heart scream I WANT YOU! but she was playing it cool. she had to.
her friends said - as she was leaving to meet him tonight, mind you - that she was letting too much out and not getting enough in. they emphasized 'in' so their innuendo was made clear. clearer than necessary really. she knew, but at this point, she didn't care.
he looked happy, she thought. no, not happy. content. content being with her, sitting across the table, not speaking or speaking or whatever, just being.
and so there, in the candle light, she saw the man she would sleep with, not just tonight, but for the rest of her life. it'd been a year and she was certain he was the one. and even if he wasn't, she'd always remember him how he was at that moment. and that would make it alright.

who am i?

2008-07-09T15:21:00.000-07:00

who am i to decide your life?
who am i to indulge your pride?
who am i to invite the tide
to drown the condescending night?

who am i but a misread line.
who am i but a man by design.
who am i but a "keep me in mind,"
a celebrated metaphor for "please, take your time."

who am i to invest in your fate?
who am i to determine the stakes?
who am i to contribute to the waste
as an apathetic hero who arrived too late?

so who are you to give up on your dreams?
who are you to wake me up with your screams?
who are you to give two seconds to think
about anybody else but yourself and your team?

learning clowns to frown

2008-07-03T06:44:00.000-07:00

i get bent to level out
embodiment of a rebel shout
talking shit to wake the dead
fed by a left hook, aching head
make time for no man
tell us what you told them
when confronted by the mob
an alibi blamed on a head nod
grab this sucker by the nape
set him straight, innovate
a new family outing
gauge the success by his shouting
i make fake bets with myself
to fool my bookie
never been one to forsake
the snake for nookie
my city fights for broken lives
'til everyone in the shire dies
'til every saint and sinner denies
the misread tarot card must lie
take the knife out of my back
and whittle down the interface
take the sticks out of the asses
of the nay sayers, call 'em splinter face
race to the finish
final lap with both my ankles braced
strapped, dripping sap
legs bent and wrapped in wedding lace
i accidentally made face
and set the pace
for all these clowns to drown
maybe now they'll learn to frown

everything and more

2008-06-27T23:44:00.000-07:00

i am my own escape from my own mind
taking my own sweet time
to calculate the day in a straight line
straightening crooked spines
and spooked minds like yours and mine alike

i'm just a metaphor for my state of mind
leaving my soul behind, i climb
up the steps to your door,
like i've been here before
and knock with the rhythm of a clock
the same tick tock mocking, begging me to stop,
but i've never been one to listen
to reason or rhyming lines
i find solidarity in nothing but the passing of time
as i stand knocking, rapping knuckles
til i buckle under the weight
from the pressure to wait for an escape
it seems i made my exit too late...

or were it early, there's nothing for me
but the prospect of being
something greater i'm not seeing
so i wait at your door
with nothing more than before
except the promise of everything
and more

ignorance in a kiss

2008-06-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

how can i ignore the fact
that everyone but me has sat
exactly where you're sitting now
a queen without a king or crown

from your thrown your past
is clearly out of reach
and on your own your last
night in town will be, at the very least,

a reason to forgive yourself
for every thing you've read
and made believe a better future
awaits you in your head

but when you decide to come back down
from your castle in the air,
just think of when you were happiest
and work backwards from there

questioning a backwards glance

2008-06-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

if the question is "why?"
then the answer is:
i needed a reason to need a reason.
if the question is "where?"
the answer is:
the edge of the world.
"when?"
noon-ish.
the question: "how?"
the answer: whithout any effort at all.
and if the question is "who?"
and the answer isn't obviously "us,"
well then we a lot more questions to ask
and a lot more answers to find.

but to answer the original question:
yes.

waking up and realizing it’s still a dream

2008-06-02T01:41:00.000-07:00

so you woke up from your dream?
what's that supposed to mean to me?
so i was a fling
in your most recent mem'ries.

and when you came up to me
and asked me "how can you sleep?
without me next to you?"
i responded: "i haven't slept in weeks."

so when will you truly wake up
and see enough is enough?
when you see all that i've become
that's when we'll finally figure
out.

i will become the one that overcomes

2008-06-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

i will see it through
the doors to this place
have been sealed
and the wounds on my face
have all but healed,
but i will see this through

i will not be scene,
this seen is nothing new
i have been, but will not again,
the picture you painted
will not hold up to
the time it took to paint it

i wish i was down for you
to give up on me,
but in the truest form
our shadows torn
made giants by the setting sun
dancing in the halls,
these walls have much to learn

i will see through you,
will not be you,
but rather see you through
this.

aux champs-élysées

2008-05-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

"i trotted on the avenue my heart opened to the unknowns
i wanted to say hello to no matter whom
no matter whom, it could be you, i'd said anything to you
it was enough to speak to you, just to calm down

you said to me 'i was pinned in a basement with fools
who live guitar-in-hand from dusk till dawn'
then i accompanied you, one sang, one danced
any one who did not even think of embracing oneself

yesterday evening two unknowns and this morning on the avenue
two in love all dazed by the long night
and to the star of concord, form an orchestra with thousand chords
all the birds at day-break singing for the love"

when subtle letters spell

2008-05-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

make life faster
love haphazardly
find beauty from disaster;
a makeshift romantic

frantically listen
with untamed ears,
untrained tears fall
before unnamed fears

here in any weather
down for whatever
the clever never settle
when subtle letters spell

the bold type
might not look right
in the wake of last night
but look closer and you might

see more clearly
when the sun dawns
earlier than expected;
a new day undetected

in it

2008-05-15T01:09:00.000-07:00

in a lover's trance
embraced
defaced but for the uncertain
certainty of adoration
for another
by another
of another
kind
of being adored
so i abhor being
or rather
abhor being abhorred
for being adored
in this trance
happenstance has no
happy stance with me
take lightly
this make believe
and make believe we
are one
of a kind
to bind and display
the array of subtleties
displayed before your
royalty
and know that
i - no, we -
are in it
to win it

a face in a cloud, no trace in the crowd

2008-04-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

"but where a young man will forgive the stray, an old man will cut it out. youth always tries to fill the void, an old man learns to live with it."

my void is inspiration, or the lack thereof. fingering the pages, i find a voice of absolution screaming for attention and a [paradox] with which i am sorely accustomed. a new apartment and a knowledge of the scene keeps me from ever truly knowing who and where my true friends are. where my inspiration lies is in a book unwritten, a passage unread, a song unsung, and a painting not rendered by God or his constituates.

if not beggar, label me mercenary, patiently waiting for someone to either:

a) save me, or
b) appraise me.

def believe nothing more than this quote out of context.

"cameras or guns, one of ya'll is gonna shoot me to death."

time (when all else fails)

2008-04-03T17:10:00.000-07:00

time chimes in
with ticks talking,
stalking men,
chalking outlines,
and shocking sins
into submission; when
all else fails,
bail.

show me a boat unsailable
and i'll show you a love infallible

time makes men of boys,
tools of toys,
sins of joys,
fables of stories,
lovers of friends,
graves of men,
weapons of pens,
and a welcome relief
of the lion's den.

but take no solice,
it won't come soon enough.

a quote out of context

2008-03-28T01:05:00.000-07:00

he had a look on his face that could only be described as defeat, distraction, and denial of the aforementioned. he took a lighter from his pocket and lit a cigarette he'd been studying since he arrived an hour before. the streets were dead and it seemed the little coffee shop, with it's bohemian air, was the only evidence of life in this town anymore.
flick. spark. inhale.
the first drag reminded him of his last, and how nothing holds significance anymore.
i'm in a rut.

the words fell short of a legitimate statement, whispered into his notebook between drags. he needed something that could only be described as solidarity, solution, and solace that the face across the table held everything but.
blink. sigh. exhale.
she looked as an angel would, the smoke circling in a make-shift halo, if an angel were to grow tired of the pursuit of perfection and depreciate the damaged souls outlawed by god; a misconception of grace. she reaches for the notebook, his pen in mid-scrawl, mind in mid-muse, before asking,
can i see what you've got so far?
she looks at what can only be described as a mess of empty phrases, misconstrued as a conscious stream of thoughts; a vain attempt to write life. he listens as she reads aloud the syllables and sentences, paragraphs and pauses, making light of his afflictions and giving way to an offbeat glance, stuttering the syntax. he shifts in his seat as she turns the page and continues,
and if ever there was a quote out of context, i'd be it. read aloud in a voice other than my own can only be described as the truest form of flattery.

you know, you're beautiful when you smile at me like you are right now.
and she was.
smiling. knowing. loved.

1713D

2008-02-23T21:37:00.000-08:00

i'm the nice guy
that they
take for granted
until i'm not there anymore
and they
wonder why,
when i become reclusive
and standoffish,
i'm the bad guy
who missed out -
on what, though?
the drama?
the games?
the user-friendly
interface my
heart has become?
but for the occasional
useless love
lest you fall
in love
with being
in love
or rather
being loved
lest you fallout
before the
loveless shouts
wake you out
of wherever
you've been
sleeping,
dreaming
of me
to be
me but
someone else...

you can't trust me
i'll sabotage
deceive
and put thoughts
in your head.

i had a dream

2008-01-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

i was being forced through a hallway of sorts that was too small for me
by a force that i couldn't see.
when i "spilled out" of the passage's "mouth," i was in an over-sized cookie sheet
with groups of people in each corner;
pointing,
laughing,
judging,
and then turning their backs to me.

except for one person.

she just stood there, crying, averting her eyes.
when she finally turned around after much persuading from the people around her,
her hands were behind her back,

tied.

she had no choice. i see that now.

convicted

2008-01-10T01:54:00.000-08:00

i was raised in the church. a lot of people were growing up. and nearly every one of my closest friends attended through high school. and that's where we got off the bus, so to speak. we were 18, legally adults, able to make our own decisions. and what better way to kill two birds with one stone than to decide on our own to not go to church and rebel against our parents at the same time. what an idiotic idea that was. we're all faced with trials in our lives, and God never turns his back on us, but when we turn our backs on Him...well, He's a little less nice about what He allows us to endure. it just takes a lot more for some of us to come back around.

i had a lot of alone time gifted to me a few years back. a lot of time to just sit and reflect on what brought me to that point. there's a saying that "there are no atheists in a fox hole" and i didn't want to be that guy who just prayed when times were tough. so i studied, and meditated on the Word, and found out things about myself i never wanted to acknowledge. but i did. and i felt better for it. and i was grateful for the time God had given me to come back to Him...and then i was free. free to do whatever i wanted and it turned out i didn't want to rely on Him, it was merely a convenience, exactly what i didn't want it to be. but i guess i didn't want it bad enough because i strayed yet again and got a swift kick and some more time to think.

and i did - think. i thought really hard and long about what i was doing and why i was where i was in my life. i prayed, i broke down, i cried, i felt that weight you hear everyone talk about lift from my shoulders. i felt a change happen in my heart and mind and i liked it. i wanted more. so i studied. i did personal bible studies. i read the purpose driven life. i opened my heart to whatever He had to tell me and i listened - truly listened. and i was free yet again; not just physically, but mentally and spiritually lighter. i felt good.

and i still feel good. and i'm working on getting back to that point where i want Him and His words to affect my life more than they already do. where i have no doubt in my mind that His grace is sufficient for me. and i'm doing good, but sometimes we need a little extra push to sit us down in that pew; to get us on our knees; to get us in the Word; to get us needing Him.

and today i got that push. there are no ulterior motives, but that i want that peace i see in other people. it's one thing to see it in your parents, but a complete other to see it in a peer. i want that back. i need that. i know it won't be hard to find - it's always there, waiting for us - but it's the holding on that will be the struggle.

and i need all the help i can get.

left us stranded

2008-01-09T02:31:00.000-08:00

in the last light of day when everything seems a bit softer,
we laugh less and sigh more (even more when we forget to breathe)
as the shadows reach further and claw at the ground,
the lakes search the skies and reveal what they've found
the streams take their time at what the rivers do quicker,
but they're still running towards something bigger and better.
and i knew right away, on that odd-numbered day in december,
that though time would march on, it's course would change
and all because we took it for granted, it left us stranded in so many ways
down here among these crowded streets, cold and worn by tired feet
i walk, faceless in a city built on anonynimity, determined not to turn around
afraid i might find what i've been chasing all along,
but doesn't want to be found...

mio frequentare oltre

2008-01-08T18:23:00.000-08:00

the ghost of years past is wailing louder than ever, haunting my present, and spooking the normals. the thing is, i usually feel safe knowing that my past is behind me and i've learned from my mistakes and i'm not that guy. but with safety comes comfortability, which allows us to let our guard down, which sets us up to be completely blindsided; which is what ends up happening, more often than not. it's different than being set up for disappointment because at least then you know there's that chance, and deep down you're ready for it. but i wasn't - ready, that is - and when your legs get swept out from underneath you, getting right back up is not an option. you lay there, wondering what happened, asking what went wrong, and eventually demanding answers from anyone who might know, 'cause you have no idea.

i'm reminded of the old adage that goes "on the rocky mountain of life, you climb one step forward, but often slip two steps back." but i'm going to keep trying, keep "climbing," as it were. i'm not going to give up;

on her;
on us;
on lyfe.

def believe.

swear to blog

2007-12-29T02:00:00.000-08:00

i'm loud. she likes that about me. i say what i think and i think she likes that about me, too... until i say the first thing that comes into my head and it's way inappropriate for our surrounding demographic, and yes, it's loud. now, a quick recovery would be appropriate in a situation like this. all the qualifying characteristics are there: unknowingly, apologetic when confronted, good intentions, etc. but when the subject - namely me - doesn't know he's loud... well he waits for conformation the "joke" was received and when he doesn't get it, he reiterates - probably louder. dig deeper, my friend. tar and feather, soon come.

but my bad. :)

i saw juno. it was really good. not the napolean-esque farce i was expecting, which was a relief. i dunno, i needed to see something that wasn't gosh's and geez's. so i loved it.

but it didn't make me any less an idiot. so it goes.

rocknroll.

who wants to open up the machine and rage against the gears?

2007-12-16T05:42:00.000-08:00

it's like i can see the gears turning in your head; should you, will you, do you, want to? i never understood this powerless feeling until you sat gracefully on my lap and pressed your head into mine. only then could i actually hear the gears turning, and only then did i realize i couldn't escape if my life depended on it...

of course that's an exaggeration, but i was pretty damn helpless. a maelstrom, if you will, of surety and debt; flood and drought; short and stout...confusion set in is what i'm getting at. but see here is where i may lose you: i know what i want - you. and i know where i am - there; in my head where you are. asleep or awake, life is what it makes us harder, better, faster, stronger.

somewhere

2007-11-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

somewhere someone's saying
sorry for the pain i caused you
somewhere birds are singing
notes to a forgotten tune
somewhere someone's doing
something just to make you happy
somewhere something said
is making someone start to cry

so if you're okay
then i'm okay
and that's okay with me

and it's always cold
when the cold wind blows
and your cold heart fears
what your cold heart knows
and i'm here
alone in
indecision

somewhere you are thinking
of the times we spent together
somewhere you are waiting
for someone to make your day
somewhere someone's thinking
of someway to make you love him
somewhere someone's doing
something just to make you proud

and it's always cold
when the cold wind blows
and your warm heart fears
what your warm heart knows
and i'm here
awaiting
your decision

somewhere you are reading this
and start to smile

the beauty that puts me at ease

2007-09-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

she dreams a new reality
when the here and now fails to be
exactly what she hopes to see
when she wakes up next to me
so i savor every second she
is more content than she'll ever be
she smiles only when she sleeps
the beauty that puts me at ease
it's only then that i am free
to make believe she dreams of me
and remember when i used to be
the reason she'd be smiling

take it in all seriousness
sell it door to door
force it down the throats
of those who can't afford

before you leave

2007-09-28T03:06:00.000-07:00

a minute fast, a day too late
a stain that no one admits they made
a glass half full of sour milk
is cause to cry before it's spilt

a cotton sheet covers leather seats
does comfort outweigh luxury
ten for a frown and a smile for five
a nickel short of happy lives

a love seat that was made for two
seats the lonely with more room
light bulbs burnt or never on
a take on life that's never wrong

an early morning, a heedless warning
a lifeless love that's all but boring
a car ride full of memories
a make-shift romance over seas

tell me i'm the reason you left
and i swear i'll make up every breath
tell me i was your only reason to stay
and i'll be here when you come back
someday

fair thee well

2007-09-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

and this is
where the sheep go to slaughter
i see a room full of a passion
within a closet of pity

well, i see we here
walking through in a hazy hasbeen
my face sardonically saying
honestly, take my happens

i notice they make heroes out of
fall guys
pistolwhippers out of small fries
take mine, i failed honesty

the view from up here gives way
to haydays and in ten ways
prevents the recruitment
of wishing well penny savers

celling myself short

2007-09-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

i'm taking extreme measures not to write a strongly worded letter to mtrla, makers of the razr. and i know i'm not the only one here, because both my brother and sister, for starters, have had issues with this very device from the beginning. apart from the infamous "white screen," my battery will no longer hold a charge. it didn't used to have this problem, but after i was on it for three hours straight last night - with no problems, i might add - my battery is no longer with us. sad, but oh so true.

and yes, we all wanna be big rockstars.

(now i'm so excited and i just can't hide it.)

moving in and john bul dau

2007-09-19T01:12:00.000-07:00

it's been a week and a half since i moved in to my new apartment. it's nice, roomy, and may i say i love whoever implemented that stain-hiding-brown should be the standard carpet color in all apartments. def a good call.

it's lonely. i miss someone terribly. and i don't think she'll ever realize what we could've had. i'm convinced i was used, but that's a whole other blog.

so i woke up this morning, got a cup of joe, and sat down to read another couple pages in what is the what (before my morning duties) when i remembered that john bul dau was speaking at fcc, and yes i had time, if i hurried. so i showered, dressed, slammed a zipfizz, and zipfizzed my way over to uc mckinley where i (hopefully) would be enlightened and intrigued. well, let me tell ya: no enlightening. no intriguing. and zipfizz gives me a headache.

okay, let me fill you in: what is the what is the latest by dave eggers and is a novelized biography of valentino achak deng, one of the sudanese children who escaped the war of 1983. these runaways were dubbed the "lost boys." so, imagine my excitement to hear that john bul dau, a lost boy now found, would be speaking. let alone the fact that god grew tired of us, a sundance award winning documentary based around his arrival and adaption to america, was amazing and thought-provoking...

so, imagine my disappointment when after an hour of this reader's digestesque lecture it was all an "if i can do it, so can you" ploy. i mean, wtf? no insights into the war? narrowly escaping death, famine, disease, bono? nothing but "i worked at mcdonald's and now i got a book deal and lecture tour, so america is land of opportunity." c'mon.

seriously, given the chance i'd lecture the fuck out of a tour. believe.

honestly, i swear

2007-09-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

i've said it before, and i'm saying it again: i don't regret my past, 'cause i've learned from my mistakes and it's made me who i am today. but right now i'm missing someone terribly and at the same time regretting ever letting her know how i feel. i let her in and i'm thinking it's a simple case of getting my hopes up, but really...honestly, i'm guessing this is what karma in full force feels like. not to sound negative, and i've never been much of a self-defeatist, but...

this is what i get.

the little things? well - and i know i'm being so lame here - you never said ily back (last night or this morning) and you used to call me just to hear my voice - among other things. i honestly just think you're scared and are pulling away. i mean, you told me this would happen, but i never thought i'd be as helpless to stop it as i feel right now. what can i do? what can i say?

i know what i'm getting into, and can't wait!

there are two types of fear: the fear of being rejected and the fear of being accepted. both keep us alive, but also keep us from living, one more than the other. which one depends on who you are and who you love. love someone who takes life with a grain of salt, and be afraid of the first. love someone who savors every bite and fear the latter. i have come to realize that neither position is ideal for either party involved in such love, yet the outcome will soon destroy all hope of ever finding the one who no one can deny perfection.

as for us, i must say you have lovely eyes. how do you feel about that? because i couldn't care less. you fear the latter and i fear the first. we scare each other and that's the best love i could ever dream up.

i swear.

tonight

2007-09-05T22:02:00.000-07:00

tonight we watch the stars, watching us
through however many miles of atmosphere
feeding our lust for life and each other
under cover of night and over anxious to do it right
this time - this us thing
so pull at my heart strings
and weave them together, yours and mine
and if the sun doesn't shine come morning,
i'll place you in the sky among the moon and stars
but until then, the night is ours for the taking
and tomorrow's dawn is ours for the breaking

dinah-moe humm-drumm...

2007-09-04T15:04:00.000-07:00

well THAT explains it all.

damn hippies.

i'm a gee

2007-08-31T14:29:00.000-07:00

everyone knows this. i just wanted to make sure your doubts are hereby eliminated. thus...word up.

so i finally found an apartment. it's nice and convenient, and comes with a refrigerator! i'll be in next friday, so ya'll should stop by and bring your favorite bottle. def.

so i'm listening to shostakovich's piano concerto #1 in c minor, op. 35 - 2. lento and i'm all at once jealous of and intimidated by my brother; no, dmitri and i are not related. the thing is, when i first started realizing how talented he was/is, i was way too messed up to admit it, let alone congratulate or encourage him. the reason i'm now fully aware of this, i think, is that it was because of my brother that i even heard of shostakovich, among the veritable cornucopia of music i've picked up from him over the years. and not only can i totally picture him playing this piece, i can see him composing something as or more amazing. hmmm...

i think i need to practice. apples and oranges are drums and piano, but nevertheless i need more fruit in my diet.

this is it...

2007-08-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

the first day of the rest of my...week. and i can only hope it gets better from here.

in fact, i'm surprisingly optimistic considering my present circumstances, some of which some of you are aware, and some not; but in any case i feel good. i've reconnected with an old friend, something that's been long over due, and rekindled with unflagging speed a flame that never really went out. it's strange to think that the "full circle theory," which has recently been used to explain our "eternal universe," might very well apply to our daily lives and relationships. which isn't to say it's repetitive, but that it gives opportunity to reunite, resume, and rewrite an otherwise sloppy ending.

so i have 577.6mb left on my iPod and am pretty happy with my collection, however far from satisfied. with the latest additions being ravel plays ravel, ravel: complete works for solo piano, shostakovich - the jazz album (thanks drew), and goodie mob's complete discography, i now ask myself the question: why don't i ever have anything to listen to? i mean, once i get frustrated enough to put all 4433 songs on shuffle i like everything that ques, but damned if i can't rely on my own judgement to enjoy my music.

dammit.

tonight's not the night...

2007-08-15T03:13:00.000-07:00

i used to make bets with my self, but i'd always lose
i used to be pro-choice 'til i gave up my right to choose
i used to walk the walk 'til i gave up my walking shoes
for combat boots; we're not fighting a war,
we're fighting to be on the evening news
i wanna abuse my rights - i wanna refuse to fight
ever since i got this freedom-of-speech thing down
i've been alright -
but tonight's not the night, or tomorrow night either
so why don't we take a breather with this bottle of ether
and we'll see a lot clearer and feel a hellofalot nearer
to the big guy with the beard and see that there's nothing to fear
now wait right here and i'll grab us a couple more beers
and we'll cheers to many more years left to laugh through the tears

hard times (i try)

2007-07-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

hard times become white lines
white lines become a need
a need becomes a reason
to give up on being free
kids become adults
religion becomes a cult
dreams become nightmares
when new ideas lead to revolt
a beer becomes a six-pack
a six-pack becomes a fifth
a fifth leads to hard times
and still the cycle persists
if the present is a gift
and this is as good as it gets
when god becomes a myth
how many will find the will to exist
(one life, one love)
we need a healthy fear of
the war in the streets
more than some wrath from above
advice become ultimatums
suggestions become rules
morals become laws
(we set ourselves up to lose)
want becomes need
power becomes greed
a taste becomes an appetite
for the blood of the meek
the tired long for sleep
like these words long for a beat
and the undisputed champion of the world
longs for defeat

i try to starve for the hungry
but my own hunger's getting worse
i try to live for the present
but realize this gift's just a curse
i wanna skip to the chorus
and just say fuck this verse
so i decided to make this the chorus
that's why this song sounds so perverse
i try to get in the moment
but i'm out of my head
i tried so hard to be different
i ended up conforming instead
i wanna live life to its fullest
but sometimes i wish i were dead
so i could come back and ruin the ending
and make you regret the life you've led

fear upon people

2007-05-31T00:12:00.000-07:00

fear is the epidemic
life is the symptom
death is the disease
love is the cure

les martyres du ciel

2007-05-30T00:49:00.000-07:00

if this idle chatter
is any indication of
the matter at hand
over fist indignation
that the success of a nation
is based solely on the pacing
of the lies we tell
like what lies in hell
is merely heaven's wishing well
wishing well the martyrs
carted off in droves
won't somebody show me
'cause i need a change
of scenery
setting free
my every need
to breathe

the laws of silence

2007-05-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

01. between two lovers:
a. in contentment
b. in awkwardness
c. in awe
d. often all of the above at once
02. in which the enemy waits
03. an effect of confusion...
a. followed by belligerence
04. in reverie of a person/event of significance
05. in abundance at dawn; absent at dusk
06. in extreme times
07. in times of extreme:
a. sorrow
b. euphoria
08. in the fog and fallen snow
09. in life as-well-as in death
10. savored by the innocent; suffered by the guilty
11. before the chaos and after the storm
12. the product of peace in times of war;
the product of war in times of defeat

comet & snowfall

2007-05-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

i am a vagabond who travels alone
i am homely, but have no home to call my own
the failures of yesterday mark my path
dust kicked up from under disappointed, shuffled feet
i am a cave, dark and dank
i am shelter from the rain, yet
i haven't seen the sun in days
(or were it years)
i fear i am all but gone
trading snake oil for wolf tickets
i am not my ancestors
i am nothing you haven't seen before
and yet you seem surprised by my company

save staring eyes for comets and snow fall

i am a boy with imagination
i am a man with dreams
i am ocean calm; i am able to tear down cities
i am a lost cause; i am hope
i found life in a healthy fear of living
i found pride in humanity
(then lost it to shame
in favor of the blame game)
our obligations to our fathers' efforts at peace
were over-looked, pending a war
i am forever; i am never
i am accident; i am purpose
i am a liar
(i swore i wouldn't turn out like my father)

whistling winds howl to compete with underground screams;
the souls are restless, oh yes
i am not popular, culture or otherwise
i am no lover, nor fighter
but a lover of fire
burning crop circles in your fruited plains
i am desert winds; i am a cool breeze
i will not be;
i will not cease;
i will not rust nor shine
i will not feed the beast
(the beast is me)

i am comet
i am snowfall
i am destruction; i am pure
i am everyone you know
yet no one you've met -

yet.

r i d e

2007-05-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

i'll never ride the bullet,
but i ride the lightning in the dead of night,
seeking and destroying
every shadow caused by the light you shed
on this underfed, underdressed,
overworked and overstressed wreck,
screaming all the lyrics
to every song you ever inspired
less the dead should wake
and mistake my right to life as made
to dig an early grave, i may
persuade these delegates to wave
my right to lay awake and fake
an interest in my fate
'cause in the wake of just-in-case
is place-your-bets-with-haste
forget your good intentions,
but don't forget to mention
how you've come this far
and for what i'll reckon is a
farce as far as luck's concerned
and as sure a thing as fire burns

ignorance derides truth

2007-05-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

if ignorance is bliss
then i must be in agony
eyes wide shut full
of murder beats and misogyny
if you wanna find me
i'll be in the back with a half-assed
mack-truck grin
waiting for your set to begin

rocknroll.

loss of innocence imminent

2007-05-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

shakey hands, steady
palms getting sweaty
head heavy
i'm hardly ready
loss of innocence, imminent

pick a point among the stars
and that's where i'll die
to be the one that watches over you
forever from the sky
above the noise, the traffic, the city scape
above the ploys, the havoc, the high stakes
the ones that make sure you're okay
are the ones who make the most mistakes

goddamn, god blessed me

2007-05-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

i can't remember the past
let alone my name
i can't ignore the signs
not to mention the pain
i can't acheive my goals
if i don't break this chain
and i'll never be a winner
if i don't play the game
fuck finding a vein,
i get high on life
at least that's what i tell myself
to sleep at night
and this track's all that's
keeping me alive
i tried life once
but couldn't ever get it right
with a roll of the dice
i follow their advice
to shoot the crap spat
from a snake eye's vice

i never knew as much as
i know this second
i know how to hold the weapon
but lack the discretion
hair trigger shot the teacher
before he finished the lesson
so maybe we should get a bite
and then fuck out of spite
i might actually learn something
if you teach it right
and i might go to heaven
if this preacher's right

he's saying: stop, look,
listen to the voices
the only thing we'll ever be
are products of our choices
so bring your egos to try me,
test me, choose to lose,
goddamn, god blessed me

the rightful owner's manual labor workers union

2007-05-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

leanin' out the window
of my car with a cocked shotgun
taking cheaper shots at your
mailboxes just for funds
i know it may sound dumb
but it's the only thing that gets me by
the day by day grind
like looking odin in the eye
flutter butterfly, terror of the skies
now watch me dive bomb
taking over the night
just to eclipse the sun when it dawns
get up off your feet
and shuffle these streets
cut the deck, pull a queen,
and finding out what cheating truly means
fleeting glances stolen from the
rightful owner's manual labor workers union
make 'em fight for what we've got
while ignoring the "dudes, you rock,"
preferring deez beats to what you're not;
a solid rhythm played on pots and pans
clap your hands to make
the rubber band man dance
this damn monkey's dance

speaking for the both of me

2007-05-09T01:32:00.000-07:00

i've waited, i've waited
way too fucking long
to come to some conclusion;
to finish our song
that was started way back
when my life was on track
when i had some direction,
some matter of fact,
but that's not how it happened
i tried to be happy
without you, but that's just too
impossible, you do
not wanna question this
how can you question it
is not unexpected to
throw a coniption fit
oh, pardon me,
you do not wanna see
how it really could be
if you'd just fucking see
the forest for the trees
and forget the damn bees
'cause this shit's for the birds
and just way too absurd
to give a second glance
beyond getting in your pants
i mean asking you to dance
i mean giving me a chance -
again - 'cause it should be a sin
that we're not what we could've been
like we were then
when we were just friends
'cause even that would be better
than what we have now
talking once every six months
if only you'd allow me
the privilege of your time
making me rewind
to how i felt when i laid eyes
on you for the first time -
i never thought
that i would get caught
in the middle of a plot
where you and i are not
together for better or
worse, through the weather,
the curses that come with each new
verse, you can bet it hurts

so when will it end,
this incessant "just friends"
when can i stop pretending
these feelings aren't in me...

okay, i take it all back
well, not the truth, just the words
that i spoke to give slack to the rope
i had hoped would give us the
chance we deserve, but...

give it up for sounding absurd.

just for a moment, love

2007-04-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

if i weren't here
if i weren't who i am to you
if i were merely someone
on the brink of understanding
everything you are

if i weren't here
among the words you speak
under the very feet
you use to walk away from me

if i were merely here
to listen to every
word that carries
every bit of me away
would you mind if i stayed
just for a moment, love

if i weren't here
if i weren't every bit
the man you can't stand
would you mind if i
took your hand in mine
just for a moment, love

this scene is nothing new

2007-04-29T03:31:00.000-07:00

guy walks down a road he knows
he's wandered many times before
looking for something, someone,
somehow, some reason to ignore
the signs that flash their lights in spite
of night's desire to overcome
the moon and all it thinks itself
so sure its stand against the sun
through gutter trash and safety glass
he wades neck deep and waits for sleep
in lieu of picket fences painted
red to match these bloodied streets
and though this scene is nothing new
to him whose paths diverged once more
whose woods give way to meadows
just may find his shelter from the storm

megan

2006-11-12T00:11:00.000-08:00

most days i'm humbled by
everything we were, but
gnawing at my core is
a beauty attacking her beast and
nothing will ever tear you from my heart

fear

2006-06-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

there are two types of fear: the fear of being rejected and the fear of being accepted. both keep us alive, but also keep us from living, one more than the other. which one depends on who you are and who you love. love someone who takes life with a grain of salt, and be afraid of the first. love someone who savors every bite and fear the latter. i have come to realize that neither position is ideal for either party involved in such love, yet the outcome will soon destroy all hope of ever finding the one who no one can deny perfection.

as for us, i must say you have lovely eyes. how do you feel about that? because i couldn't care less. you fear the latter and i fear the first. we scare each other and that's the best love i could ever dream up.

the pizza's here. will somebody let him in please?

a reply in two syllables

2006-06-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

how does
one know
how far
down they
might fall
unless
they were
once free
to soar
higher
than how
deep you
felt in-
side of
me i
think i
just might

die.

to: sill a. bowls

2006-04-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

i do
not want
to fly
higher
than i
know how
to fall
further
down the
spiral
leading
nowhere
and how
deep i
felt in-
side of
you i
think i
just might

die.

morbid mortality

2006-03-31T02:31:00.000-08:00

i feel like i've been in a coma for eighteen years and i'm just now realizing what it feels like to live. i mean really live. fuck your routines. they're not gonna save you here. it's almost like a bad b-movie where you know what's going to happen next even before the score starts to build to an f-minor pentatonic scale, but you watch anyway, your eyes adhered to the screen. why? because we are a culture that loves to be wrong. we want to see the abortion happen without complications, but we want more to see the whore of a mother die in the process, proving that wholesome thoughts only appear in the nightmares of politions. why? because that would make our initial good-natured ignorance a waste of our time. so we root-root-root for love, justice, and that brave little toaster. because, well, nothing is worth never having to be wrong.

pull cards and bed sheets

2006-03-22T00:49:00.000-08:00

never been one to complain
about the rain
or be so profane
you'd think i got mush for brains
but it's all the same
another day, another dame
when they don't know your name
and you, not once, look at their face
'cause at this pace
we'll end the race
a whole nine laps
ahead of the chase
and when you trip
put out your hands to brace
yourself against these days
we've yet to face

when smoke signals fail to relay danger

2006-03-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

this isn't the beauty in the sadness
or the order to my madness
this simply follows the addage that
chaos isn't only found in the mind of the savage
so what're you looking for
with that gleam in your eye you're
just hoping to find something more
than you've been promised all those times before
first i look at your past
then i tear it in half
dividing all the good from the bad
setting each stack aflame
and seeing which one will longer last
as the smoke clears
and adheres
to the rivers of tears
caused by the fear
that each year
becomes harder to persevere
you slowly start turning
your head to the still burning
soon becoming ashes, but lasting
longer than the now wind-catching
stacks of pros and cons
and find the will to move on
when you realize that it's not the cons
of your life that still burns bright
now look this savage in the eye
and see his chaos come alive
'cause it's the beauty in
the sadness of your sigh
you let that you're relieved
that takes the madness from my life

the repercushions of questioning bliss

2006-03-07T11:47:00.000-08:00

this is just a plea
you must adhere to
will you break the rules
you set up so as to
keep your safely guarded
heart a me-proof operation
'cause my patience
wears thick wool and is
starting to make me sick
how much i put up with your shit
so why don't you take me into
wherever you've kept me
for so long now
how does sense vow
to make itself out of this:
just a kiss
i've questioned bliss with shaking fists
but open palms now greet it's qualms
so now is then my two sense spent
how much to rent your heart for a while
how about just a smile on my behalf
a courtesy laugh is all i ask
so answer me in silence
see these eyes will try
their best to hide your pain inside
their selfish pride
i'm here and always will be your sigh
just as the sun sighs at the night
for making it's light seem that much more

bright.

for sale: one future, slighty used

2006-02-27T03:12:00.000-08:00

this river's flowing showing
snowmen what their futures hold
the comfort knowing where
we're going leaves us all but bold
but in this dreary weary life
my future's clearly sold
to the highest bidder
but i'm anything but bitter
when these days i'm feeling fitter
happier to fold
my hand before i can
no longer strive for gold and
this life is nice
but twice the price
for half my future sold
i never told you
what i know to
be the only truth
but i'm believing
now what i'm seeing
now will soon make me choose...

[you]

your true feelings in [brackets]

2006-02-17T11:28:00.000-08:00

you like the way i make you feel
[about yourself]
you like the idea of being in love
[or rather being loved]
you like to think of what we have
[or rather what we had]

you love me
[loving you]
you want me
[to want you]
you need me
[to say...]
anything to make you feel
[anything but pain]

you've given me everything you have
[everything but love]

the winner's right to lose

2006-02-14T15:15:00.000-08:00

tonight will be
the night that we
begin to see
a future brighter than
the one we know
is just for show
so just let it go
this fucking town
moves way too fucking slow
and as we fly by
what used to make you cry
no need to be polite
just take my hand
and simply wave good-bye
to what you thought you knew
to once be true
we have this chance to prove
that everyone has the right to choose

and just as i've chosen you,
every winner has the right to lose

perfection through these eyes

2006-02-05T19:46:00.000-08:00

this one's for you
and you know who you are
i know we could go far
and run faster than cars
oh, if you only knew
see, i've thought this thing through
all the way to the moon
and how it shines just for you
cheesy as hell
i never kiss and tell
but you make it so hard
for me to keep it all in
next to my shame and my sins
i just can't seem to let go
so just take all of me
my generosity and greed,
my wants and my needs,
my follow and my lead,
and when you've bled me dry
promise to leave my eyes
so as to see you become
what i've seen all along:

perfect.

failing you, my only regret

2006-02-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

i don't regret much
'cause i've learned from my mistakes
and my past is what's made me
who i am today
but it's strange i can't explain
exactly how i feel
when you've been the focus of my thoughts
ever since you were first brought
to me from somewhere else
somewhere better, somewhere brighter,
some place where my heart is lighter
'cause ever since i failed you
it's been heavier than ever
now the only way to lift this weight
is to come right out and tell you straight:

you're the reason i still breathe
and live to see another day
all in hopes ammends are made
with you so i can hear you say
that you forgive me,
love me, miss me
it's then i'll hold you pressed against me
to save you from
those tears you've feared
would fall aginst another's ear
but as of now, and here on out
i'll be that ear to hear your shouts,
your laughs, your cries,
of joy, not of spite
your whispers, your sighs
as you gaze into my eyes
and see a future bold and bright
my heart is yours as well as i

tonight.