grace

i'm bored and you're boring.
so let's find a common ground
between the mattress and the sheets,
just for the fuck of it.

the reshaping of rain clouds

from the first time i saw her standing next to the fire place i knew that i'd have to prove i wasn't just another head case. "sure i've got some issues, but i bet you have 'em, too. and i know that there's gonna be some things we'll need to get through." what's said is done and what's done is said to be the reason we fall down and get right back up again.

anyway, back to the story: we left the bar at last call and held each other in the rain. it was then i knew i was bound to fall and sure enough, three weeks later, without a headline in the paper, i hit the ground hard, explaining why when she's around my knees get weak. i guess it's easier to fall than it is to fly, but when we kissed, i swear to god i felt like i could reach the sky and reshape all the clouds to remind her of me. 'cause these days it feels like i need all the help i can get. so i'm calling myself to make sure my phone still works. and when i get smart with the rep, she's the third in a day to call me a jerk, which i guess explains why my story ends with this scene:

she's reading how to tell him that you're just friends in a pop magazine after a late night with her single cousins and a guy who's everything but me. while my phone sits silent i'm wondering why i didn't see this coming from so far away. nothing gold will ever stay in the hands of someone who's been settling for copper eggs. so high you sat upon your thrown i built for you to rule my mind that when you stepped down, gave up your crown, it made me realize that no matter what i think i deserve or who's in whose league i just need to believe in everything you said i'd never be:

loved.

all of this / and just like that...

[part one]
this is ours. all of this: these moments and moments passed; moments to come and moments missed; all of this is ours. everything we had and lost or misplaced is still ours and i cherish those moments the most. everything we currently hold dear, held closest to our hearts, and everything we're bound to obtain, all of this is ours and will be ours forever. and for that, i thank you.

[part two]
and just like that...it's gone. the glances, the chances, our song. all because i couldn't accept that my failures wouldn't fail you. i tried so hard to hide from my past that i ended up hiding from the one person that understood it as just that...past. and now added to the list of faults that i never wanted you to endure, you sit atop as the one i regret most failing. so gone are we, but for this opportunity to build on the ashes a foundation based on honesty and integrity that crumbled so quickly before i realized that all i want is to be wherever you are and wherever you need me to be. and this being the first brick laid: i promise that whatever we are or whatever we become, the worst is over and you can have the best of me. i'd do anything to make you happy and everything to make you smile. i just wish i didn't have to lose you for me to fully understand how much it hurts when i make you sad.

and just like that...?

where tracks meet

here we are:
a slip and a tangle
away from being dangled
over the heads of
anyone who
never gives love a chance

there you are:
a quip and a smile
so far from denile
am i to think
i might be falling
and hard

here i am:
just a boy who
wants nothing but to
hold you and promise,
as long as you'll let me,
i'll never let you go

the way

the way she walks
the way she laughs
the way she knows
how to work what she has
the way she smells
the way she thinks
the way her touch
brings me to the brink
the way she kisses
like she already came
and the way she sighs
when i say her name
the way she dances
when she knows i'm watching
and the way she looks at me
when no one's around
the way she lives
and the way she loves
is everything i'd ever want
everything i've dreamed of

i didn't mean to wake you

i just called to say hey
so...hey, i guess it's just
i need to hear your voice sometimes

and when you said my name
that slightly annoyed tone
i smiled just knowing that
i get to make it up to you

so, i guess i'll let you go
off the phone, not from me
it'd take worlds more than a tone
for me to let you leave my mind

this has greatness written all over it

i think maybe
you should stop pretending
what we have
you've had before
you try so hard
to ignore the feeling
you get when you
look into these eyes

arms wide open
take me in the rain
i will make sure
you feel no more pain

you think maybe
this time will be different
what we have
you've been looking for
you try too hard
to make them happy
that there's nothing
left that makes you smile

arms wide open
take me from this rain
i will make sure
you've everything to gain

this has greatness
written all over it
what we have
won't ever fade

everything, the same

emotions unchained
leave thoughts unchanged
of life, love, and the insane
idea that pleasure comes without pain

when anything said in vain
is never worth saying
unless your intentions are to be paying
the price of feelings slain

you whisper my name
like it's fuel to my flame
but if this is just a game
i don't think i want to be playing

so leave the wild untamed
and the lifeless inane
and you'll feel your interest wane
in leaving everything the same

all my life

all my life i've waited for
my dreams to come true that
a beauty such as you may
notice me like you do, so
don't ever doubt my intentions, 'cause
all my life i've waited for you

second guessed smile

picture this:

sitting all by herself
on the arm of a couch
is the girl that could very well
remove any doubt that i have
about letting myself drown.

but just as i approach
her gaze catches mine
and then smiles past my shoulder
to whoever she was looking for
now brushing past me
as i sta in disbelief
when i hear him say,
"nice to meet you. i'm trey."

that could've been me
now sharing hopes and dreams
if only i hadn't second guessed
a smile meant for me.

heed this

advice to the leaders from the led:
scream whatever was left unsaid.
wouldn't you rather see us dead?

advice to the hungry from the fed:
silence the voice in your head.
wouldn't you rather eat instead?

advice to the bleeding from the bled:
show 'em so they will understand.
wouldn't you rather know love instead?

advice to the dying from the dead:
make your last days worth every breath.
wouldn't you rather live instead?

thoughts in three parts

at home he's wishing he wasn't. eating left over take-n-bake pizza microwaved on high for thirty-one seconds, he's wishing he had someone there to ask if they wanted the last piece, which he fully intends on consuming, but would like the option of being polite. and after he's brushed his teeth, stripped, and crawled into bed to watch bowflex infomercials - only until girls gone wild comes on - before he drifts off to sleep alone, he's wishing he wasn't. alone.

she doesn't use words so as not to give herself away. when he left, she died, and they say you only die once, so she doesn't want to see what happens the second time. so now she keeps her distance, with her chest pressed against his. her head's a million miles away as she bites his lip. and everything that was perfect will never be again.

what happens next is a question to remain unanswered. love versus loss is a battle that will never be won. at the time of tragedy all life stands still, but once you move on you will soon conquer that which scares you most. and when that fear is love, you will be free to fall again. and this time i swear i won't drop you.

[a work still in progess]

a few years ago - three, maybe four - i was working as a fast food service operator for a major fast food chain. i was in my last year of college finishing up a degree in a field i had no interest in persuing. i mean, i can't even balance my check book let alone manage a bank. anyway, about a year and a half ago i get a phone call. it's my mother. she's frantic.
"it's walter." she's sobbing.
walter...
"honey, uncle walter,"
i have an uncle walter?
"steven, seriously,"
i'm being serious.
"steven,"
i couldn't be more serious. so uncle walter, is he dead, getting married, what?
"yes, honey, he's passed away, but if you're gonna be this way,"
what way am i being? i'm sorry, it's very sad. death is horrible. i didn't know him, did i?
"you might've met him once. he thought you his favorite, though. you shared a birthday."
awesome. so do i have to go to some thing?
"i'd like it if you made it to the wake. they're reading his will directly after and who knows, he might've left you something."
i already own enough harmonicas and mason jars of foreign currency , but i'll go. no worries. when is it?

so i go to the wake and kick myself for having thoughts about my cousins - second and third cousins, mind you - and i sit through the reading of the will. his wife, apparently, had passed a few years back so everything was pretty much up for grabs. aunt gina got the house since she has the most kids - she's mormon. mom got the thunderbird she first learned to drive in. uncle allen got his mercury - the one that looks like a futuristic hearse. most of the cousins got savings bonds except the oldest, mike, who got his whole stock portfolio.
and then my name is called, and when it comes time to say "harmonica collection" or "priceless coins" or even "an original tandam bicycle," his lawyer hesitates and says:
"i leave to you my legacy; the first international bank of new orleans."
member fdic.
seriously? and everyone is looking at me, some still teary-eyed, and all i can get out is a high-pitched, seriously? my mouth agape and my look of general disbelief must've prompted my mother's "steven, have some respect. say thank you." i could've, but somehow i knew it would've been inappropriate. but seriously?
so, whatever sign i was getting telling me that my schooling would not have been in vain, i ignored it and after an appropriate mourning period - i think, about three days - i sold uncle walter's legacy to a retired broker from new york - a wedding gift for his grandson, he said. it makes me think i should get married...
but seriously.