it made more sense as a novel

i had a few minutes before the service. i walked in her shadow and, if it wasn’t for her silhouette, into the sun. her scent lingered the few feet i followed behind and masked the harshest stench the city had to offer – regret.

she stopped suddenly just short of the oratory and stood stone-like as if the ghost of the day’s honoree appeared violently. she whispered,

i want to be alone.

you won’t make it alone, i murmured, somewhat hoping she would be too preoccupied with her own grief to hear me. she did.

i just want this to end, but i don’t want to hurt you.

she stood silently, waiting, and if it weren’t for the slight rise and fall of her shoulders, i’d have questioned if she were even breathing. then, as if just realizing she wasn't alone, she turned and said,

i’m going to say goodbye. if you’re here when i’m done, we will return together. if not, well,

she looked at my lips and i caught myself mumbling incoherently – presumably words of encouragement, doubt, adoration, or repose – before her gaze wandered upward and rested in mine and continued,

i’d understand.

she was giving me the decision to make. it was light on my shoulders, but heavy on my heart. and i waited.

and waited.

and then…