i had a dream

i was being forced through a hallway of sorts that was too small for me
by a force that i couldn't see.
when i "spilled out" of the passage's "mouth," i was in an over-sized cookie sheet
with groups of people in each corner;
pointing,
laughing,
judging,
and then turning their backs to me.

except for one person.

she just stood there, crying, averting her eyes.
when she finally turned around after much persuading from the people around her,
her hands were behind her back,

tied.

she had no choice. i see that now.

convicted

i was raised in the church. a lot of people were growing up. and nearly every one of my closest friends attended through high school. and that's where we got off the bus, so to speak. we were 18, legally adults, able to make our own decisions. and what better way to kill two birds with one stone than to decide on our own to not go to church and rebel against our parents at the same time. what an idiotic idea that was. we're all faced with trials in our lives, and God never turns his back on us, but when we turn our backs on Him...well, He's a little less nice about what He allows us to endure. it just takes a lot more for some of us to come back around.

i had a lot of alone time gifted to me a few years back. a lot of time to just sit and reflect on what brought me to that point. there's a saying that "there are no atheists in a fox hole" and i didn't want to be that guy who just prayed when times were tough. so i studied, and meditated on the Word, and found out things about myself i never wanted to acknowledge. but i did. and i felt better for it. and i was grateful for the time God had given me to come back to Him...and then i was free. free to do whatever i wanted and it turned out i didn't want to rely on Him, it was merely a convenience, exactly what i didn't want it to be. but i guess i didn't want it bad enough because i strayed yet again and got a swift kick and some more time to think.

and i did - think. i thought really hard and long about what i was doing and why i was where i was in my life. i prayed, i broke down, i cried, i felt that weight you hear everyone talk about lift from my shoulders. i felt a change happen in my heart and mind and i liked it. i wanted more. so i studied. i did personal bible studies. i read the purpose driven life. i opened my heart to whatever He had to tell me and i listened - truly listened. and i was free yet again; not just physically, but mentally and spiritually lighter. i felt good.

and i still feel good. and i'm working on getting back to that point where i want Him and His words to affect my life more than they already do. where i have no doubt in my mind that His grace is sufficient for me. and i'm doing good, but sometimes we need a little extra push to sit us down in that pew; to get us on our knees; to get us in the Word; to get us needing Him.

and today i got that push. there are no ulterior motives, but that i want that peace i see in other people. it's one thing to see it in your parents, but a complete other to see it in a peer. i want that back. i need that. i know it won't be hard to find - it's always there, waiting for us - but it's the holding on that will be the struggle.

and i need all the help i can get.

left us stranded

in the last light of day when everything seems a bit softer,
we laugh less and sigh more (even more when we forget to breathe)
as the shadows reach further and claw at the ground,
the lakes search the skies and reveal what they've found
the streams take their time at what the rivers do quicker,
but they're still running towards something bigger and better.
and i knew right away, on that odd-numbered day in december,
that though time would march on, it's course would change
and all because we took it for granted, it left us stranded in so many ways
down here among these crowded streets, cold and worn by tired feet
i walk, faceless in a city built on anonynimity, determined not to turn around
afraid i might find what i've been chasing all along,
but doesn't want to be found...

mio frequentare oltre

the ghost of years past is wailing louder than ever, haunting my present, and spooking the normals. the thing is, i usually feel safe knowing that my past is behind me and i've learned from my mistakes and i'm not that guy. but with safety comes comfortability, which allows us to let our guard down, which sets us up to be completely blindsided; which is what ends up happening, more often than not. it's different than being set up for disappointment because at least then you know there's that chance, and deep down you're ready for it. but i wasn't - ready, that is - and when your legs get swept out from underneath you, getting right back up is not an option. you lay there, wondering what happened, asking what went wrong, and eventually demanding answers from anyone who might know, 'cause you have no idea.

i'm reminded of the old adage that goes "on the rocky mountain of life, you climb one step forward, but often slip two steps back." but i'm going to keep trying, keep "climbing," as it were. i'm not going to give up;

on her;
on us;
on lyfe.

def believe.