27 September 2009

and then...

i was about a block away from the vestibule when i heard her call - questioningly - my name. i stopped, though not convinced i should turn around - let alone return to her. i called out behind me,

yes? what do you need?

you, she yelled.

i turned to face a now running figure, as if i had left my keys on the kitchen table and she was delivering them to me, knowing i was in a hurry to get to work - i hadn't and i wasn't. she slowed as she approached my shadow and looked down to mirror my stance. she stopped and whispered,

i didn't get to explain. i wanted to, but i didn't have the chance.

she's lying, she had plenty of chances. she continued,

i was never good at any of this, but i tried. i really did, darling. lover, i did.

she trailed off as i spoke - how? how did you try? not with the forced recollection of perjury could you ever convince me you tried. i believe that you wanted this and did, at one point, enjoy us, but -

i couldn't finish. she looked upset, but more confused. like she had just woken up from a three-month coma to find everything she loved gone. i couldn't help but take her hand. she looked me in the eye and said,

i'm sorry.

i think i nodded my acknowledgement and i'm sure i squeezed her hand before letting go, but i'm certain i said, before turning and walking away,

no you're not.

20 September 2009

love is when you pillage the weaker villages

so far, so good, right?
i mean, it's time, right?
to make that trek, that fast-paced,
that limelight
i think i might
stay and fight
rivaled only by the right we have
to see the night burn;
to watch the page turn;
the rich learn
that nothing earned is real
and we have to learn to steal;
to beg; to borrow,
lest we die by morning, let's
hold fast to the truth that
love is the true test
of our endurance of pain
and the will to forgive
our assailants

19 September 2009

don't call me shirley

miss the dawn
and forget that the sun is gone
she's moved on -
has forgotten how to sing our song
it makes sense to just carry on,
live my life as if nothing's wrong,
and learn that the queen always takes the pawn

so make an unintended half-smile
he deserves to see you laugh
unless you're playing him too
ruins get to be rebuilt
torn down in anger
zealous natures lead to destruction

16 September 2009

i am

a product of our times
an anecdote
obsolete
needed
crazy
a winner
sanity in a bottle
clever
bewitched
an after-thought
a space-saver
a waste of space
pleasurable
interesting
handsome
a gas
sinister
mind-blowingly awesome
numb
a joke
wack
here
there
anywhere i can be heard
seen
grateful
nice
sexy
repulsive
a drummer
a writer
a man
sorry
confused
hurt
bleeding
okay
hopeful
love

me.

lemur

"it's over," she said
with no hesitation.
"the feelings i once had
were just my imagination.

"i'm sorry you hurt -
though no fault of my own;
i warned you from the start:
i need to be alone."

if the weather refuses
to change with the seasons,
the accused and accusers
are left without reason

so say what you will
this is not an ending;
a rip in the plot line
is not yours for mending

less dead

it’s all so serene
this feeling of being
loved, but not wanted
and lost, so it seems

even in my dreams
i am an unintended thing
a wayward, a praise song,
a make believed scene

when, instead of accepted,
it seems i've been bested,
underhandedly dealt
a winning hand tested

short of a miracle
should i ever be found
a man in the eyes
of a goddess under ground

05 September 2009

it made more sense as a novel

i had a few minutes before the service. i walked in her shadow and, if it wasn’t for her silhouette, into the sun. her scent lingered the few feet i followed behind and masked the harshest stench the city had to offer – regret.

she stopped suddenly just short of the oratory and stood stone-like as if the ghost of the day’s honoree appeared violently. she whispered,

i want to be alone.

you won’t make it alone, i murmured, somewhat hoping she would be too preoccupied with her own grief to hear me. she did.

i just want this to end, but i don’t want to hurt you.

she stood silently, waiting, and if it weren’t for the slight rise and fall of her shoulders, i’d have questioned if she were even breathing. then, as if just realizing she wasn't alone, she turned and said,

i’m going to say goodbye. if you’re here when i’m done, we will return together. if not, well,

she looked at my lips and i caught myself mumbling incoherently – presumably words of encouragement, doubt, adoration, or repose – before her gaze wandered upward and rested in mine and continued,

i’d understand.

she was giving me the decision to make. it was light on my shoulders, but heavy on my heart. and i waited.

and waited.

and then…