at home he's wishing he wasn't. eating left over take-n-bake pizza microwaved on high for thirty-one seconds, he's wishing he had someone there to ask if they wanted the last piece, which he fully intends on consuming, but would like the option of being polite. and after he's brushed his teeth, stripped, and crawled into bed to watch bowflex infomercials - only until girls gone wild comes on - before he drifts off to sleep alone, he's wishing he wasn't. alone.
she doesn't use words so as not to give herself away. when he left, she died, and they say you only die once, so she doesn't want to see what happens the second time. so now she keeps her distance, with her chest pressed against his. her head's a million miles away as she bites his lip. and everything that was perfect will never be again.
what happens next is a question to remain unanswered. love versus loss is a battle that will never be won. at the time of tragedy all life stands still, but once you move on you will soon conquer that which scares you most. and when that fear is love, you will be free to fall again. and this time i swear i won't drop you.
31 October 2005
30 October 2005
[a work still in progess]
a few years ago - three, maybe four - i was working as a fast food service operator for a major fast food chain. i was in my last year of college finishing up a degree in a field i had no interest in persuing. i mean, i can't even balance my check book let alone manage a bank. anyway, about a year and a half ago i get a phone call. it's my mother. she's frantic.
"it's walter." she's sobbing.
walter...
"honey, uncle walter,"
i have an uncle walter?
"steven, seriously,"
i'm being serious.
"steven,"
i couldn't be more serious. so uncle walter, is he dead, getting married, what?
"yes, honey, he's passed away, but if you're gonna be this way,"
what way am i being? i'm sorry, it's very sad. death is horrible. i didn't know him, did i?
"you might've met him once. he thought you his favorite, though. you shared a birthday."
awesome. so do i have to go to some thing?
"i'd like it if you made it to the wake. they're reading his will directly after and who knows, he might've left you something."
i already own enough harmonicas and mason jars of foreign currency , but i'll go. no worries. when is it?
so i go to the wake and kick myself for having thoughts about my cousins - second and third cousins, mind you - and i sit through the reading of the will. his wife, apparently, had passed a few years back so everything was pretty much up for grabs. aunt gina got the house since she has the most kids - she's mormon. mom got the thunderbird she first learned to drive in. uncle allen got his mercury - the one that looks like a futuristic hearse. most of the cousins got savings bonds except the oldest, mike, who got his whole stock portfolio.
and then my name is called, and when it comes time to say "harmonica collection" or "priceless coins" or even "an original tandam bicycle," his lawyer hesitates and says:
"i leave to you my legacy; the first international bank of new orleans."
member fdic.
seriously? and everyone is looking at me, some still teary-eyed, and all i can get out is a high-pitched, seriously? my mouth agape and my look of general disbelief must've prompted my mother's "steven, have some respect. say thank you." i could've, but somehow i knew it would've been inappropriate. but seriously?
so, whatever sign i was getting telling me that my schooling would not have been in vain, i ignored it and after an appropriate mourning period - i think, about three days - i sold uncle walter's legacy to a retired broker from new york - a wedding gift for his grandson, he said. it makes me think i should get married...
but seriously.
"it's walter." she's sobbing.
walter...
"honey, uncle walter,"
i have an uncle walter?
"steven, seriously,"
i'm being serious.
"steven,"
i couldn't be more serious. so uncle walter, is he dead, getting married, what?
"yes, honey, he's passed away, but if you're gonna be this way,"
what way am i being? i'm sorry, it's very sad. death is horrible. i didn't know him, did i?
"you might've met him once. he thought you his favorite, though. you shared a birthday."
awesome. so do i have to go to some thing?
"i'd like it if you made it to the wake. they're reading his will directly after and who knows, he might've left you something."
i already own enough harmonicas and mason jars of foreign currency , but i'll go. no worries. when is it?
so i go to the wake and kick myself for having thoughts about my cousins - second and third cousins, mind you - and i sit through the reading of the will. his wife, apparently, had passed a few years back so everything was pretty much up for grabs. aunt gina got the house since she has the most kids - she's mormon. mom got the thunderbird she first learned to drive in. uncle allen got his mercury - the one that looks like a futuristic hearse. most of the cousins got savings bonds except the oldest, mike, who got his whole stock portfolio.
and then my name is called, and when it comes time to say "harmonica collection" or "priceless coins" or even "an original tandam bicycle," his lawyer hesitates and says:
"i leave to you my legacy; the first international bank of new orleans."
member fdic.
seriously? and everyone is looking at me, some still teary-eyed, and all i can get out is a high-pitched, seriously? my mouth agape and my look of general disbelief must've prompted my mother's "steven, have some respect. say thank you." i could've, but somehow i knew it would've been inappropriate. but seriously?
so, whatever sign i was getting telling me that my schooling would not have been in vain, i ignored it and after an appropriate mourning period - i think, about three days - i sold uncle walter's legacy to a retired broker from new york - a wedding gift for his grandson, he said. it makes me think i should get married...
but seriously.
19 October 2005
once again
once again i'm left for dead
once again these bitter years are dying
once again i ask of you
to make ammends with all your sins and mine
when will we learn to love each-
other as we love ourselves
when will we learn to put each-
other before our selfish selves
'cause i know
that this will not last
but when will it end
is the question that we all must ask
once again i'm all alone
once again these bitter tears are mine
when will we learn to love our
life just as we love ourseleves
when will we learn to put our
hatred before nothing else
'cause i know
that this will soon pass
and when it falls
will you regret the life you led
or the people you loved
but once again i'm left for dead
once again my hope for us is dying
once again these bitter years are dying
once again i ask of you
to make ammends with all your sins and mine
when will we learn to love each-
other as we love ourselves
when will we learn to put each-
other before our selfish selves
'cause i know
that this will not last
but when will it end
is the question that we all must ask
once again i'm all alone
once again these bitter tears are mine
when will we learn to love our
life just as we love ourseleves
when will we learn to put our
hatred before nothing else
'cause i know
that this will soon pass
and when it falls
will you regret the life you led
or the people you loved
but once again i'm left for dead
once again my hope for us is dying
17 October 2005
dear love
hey, it's me. it's been a while. i don't want to keep you from doing whatever you were doing. just thought i'd check up with you and let you know that, yes, i still think about you. actually i have this theory that every guy you've ever met must fall in love with you and that they remain in love with you to this day. i know i am and i can't imagine anyone else feeling any differently. well, have a great day and whatever you do, don't let anyone make you compromise all the wonderful things that made me fall for you. you're amazing.
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