honestly, i swear

i've said it before, and i'm saying it again: i don't regret my past, 'cause i've learned from my mistakes and it's made me who i am today. but right now i'm missing someone terribly and at the same time regretting ever letting her know how i feel. i let her in and i'm thinking it's a simple case of getting my hopes up, but really...honestly, i'm guessing this is what karma in full force feels like. not to sound negative, and i've never been much of a self-defeatist, but...

this is what i get.

the little things? well - and i know i'm being so lame here - you never said ily back (last night or this morning) and you used to call me just to hear my voice - among other things. i honestly just think you're scared and are pulling away. i mean, you told me this would happen, but i never thought i'd be as helpless to stop it as i feel right now. what can i do? what can i say?

i know what i'm getting into, and can't wait!

there are two types of fear: the fear of being rejected and the fear of being accepted. both keep us alive, but also keep us from living, one more than the other. which one depends on who you are and who you love. love someone who takes life with a grain of salt, and be afraid of the first. love someone who savors every bite and fear the latter. i have come to realize that neither position is ideal for either party involved in such love, yet the outcome will soon destroy all hope of ever finding the one who no one can deny perfection.

as for us, i must say you have lovely eyes. how do you feel about that? because i couldn't care less. you fear the latter and i fear the first. we scare each other and that's the best love i could ever dream up.

i swear.