a quote out of context

he had a look on his face that could only be described as defeat, distraction, and denial of the aforementioned. he took a lighter from his pocket and lit a cigarette he'd been studying since he arrived an hour before. the streets were dead and it seemed the little coffee shop, with it's bohemian air, was the only evidence of life in this town anymore.
flick. spark. inhale.
the first drag reminded him of his last, and how nothing holds significance anymore.
i'm in a rut.

the words fell short of a legitimate statement, whispered into his notebook between drags. he needed something that could only be described as solidarity, solution, and solace that the face across the table held everything but.
blink. sigh. exhale.
she looked as an angel would, the smoke circling in a make-shift halo, if an angel were to grow tired of the pursuit of perfection and depreciate the damaged souls outlawed by god; a misconception of grace. she reaches for the notebook, his pen in mid-scrawl, mind in mid-muse, before asking,
can i see what you've got so far?
she looks at what can only be described as a mess of empty phrases, misconstrued as a conscious stream of thoughts; a vain attempt to write life. he listens as she reads aloud the syllables and sentences, paragraphs and pauses, making light of his afflictions and giving way to an offbeat glance, stuttering the syntax. he shifts in his seat as she turns the page and continues,
and if ever there was a quote out of context, i'd be it. read aloud in a voice other than my own can only be described as the truest form of flattery.

you know, you're beautiful when you smile at me like you are right now.
and she was.
smiling. knowing. loved.

1713D

i'm the nice guy
that they
take for granted
until i'm not there anymore
and they
wonder why,
when i become reclusive
and standoffish,
i'm the bad guy
who missed out -
on what, though?
the drama?
the games?
the user-friendly
interface my
heart has become?
but for the occasional
useless love
lest you fall
in love
with being
in love
or rather
being loved
lest you fallout
before the
loveless shouts
wake you out
of wherever
you've been
sleeping,
dreaming
of me
to be
me but
someone else...

you can't trust me
i'll sabotage
deceive
and put thoughts
in your head.

i had a dream

i was being forced through a hallway of sorts that was too small for me
by a force that i couldn't see.
when i "spilled out" of the passage's "mouth," i was in an over-sized cookie sheet
with groups of people in each corner;
pointing,
laughing,
judging,
and then turning their backs to me.

except for one person.

she just stood there, crying, averting her eyes.
when she finally turned around after much persuading from the people around her,
her hands were behind her back,

tied.

she had no choice. i see that now.

convicted

i was raised in the church. a lot of people were growing up. and nearly every one of my closest friends attended through high school. and that's where we got off the bus, so to speak. we were 18, legally adults, able to make our own decisions. and what better way to kill two birds with one stone than to decide on our own to not go to church and rebel against our parents at the same time. what an idiotic idea that was. we're all faced with trials in our lives, and God never turns his back on us, but when we turn our backs on Him...well, He's a little less nice about what He allows us to endure. it just takes a lot more for some of us to come back around.

i had a lot of alone time gifted to me a few years back. a lot of time to just sit and reflect on what brought me to that point. there's a saying that "there are no atheists in a fox hole" and i didn't want to be that guy who just prayed when times were tough. so i studied, and meditated on the Word, and found out things about myself i never wanted to acknowledge. but i did. and i felt better for it. and i was grateful for the time God had given me to come back to Him...and then i was free. free to do whatever i wanted and it turned out i didn't want to rely on Him, it was merely a convenience, exactly what i didn't want it to be. but i guess i didn't want it bad enough because i strayed yet again and got a swift kick and some more time to think.

and i did - think. i thought really hard and long about what i was doing and why i was where i was in my life. i prayed, i broke down, i cried, i felt that weight you hear everyone talk about lift from my shoulders. i felt a change happen in my heart and mind and i liked it. i wanted more. so i studied. i did personal bible studies. i read the purpose driven life. i opened my heart to whatever He had to tell me and i listened - truly listened. and i was free yet again; not just physically, but mentally and spiritually lighter. i felt good.

and i still feel good. and i'm working on getting back to that point where i want Him and His words to affect my life more than they already do. where i have no doubt in my mind that His grace is sufficient for me. and i'm doing good, but sometimes we need a little extra push to sit us down in that pew; to get us on our knees; to get us in the Word; to get us needing Him.

and today i got that push. there are no ulterior motives, but that i want that peace i see in other people. it's one thing to see it in your parents, but a complete other to see it in a peer. i want that back. i need that. i know it won't be hard to find - it's always there, waiting for us - but it's the holding on that will be the struggle.

and i need all the help i can get.

left us stranded

in the last light of day when everything seems a bit softer,
we laugh less and sigh more (even more when we forget to breathe)
as the shadows reach further and claw at the ground,
the lakes search the skies and reveal what they've found
the streams take their time at what the rivers do quicker,
but they're still running towards something bigger and better.
and i knew right away, on that odd-numbered day in december,
that though time would march on, it's course would change
and all because we took it for granted, it left us stranded in so many ways
down here among these crowded streets, cold and worn by tired feet
i walk, faceless in a city built on anonynimity, determined not to turn around
afraid i might find what i've been chasing all along,
but doesn't want to be found...

mio frequentare oltre

the ghost of years past is wailing louder than ever, haunting my present, and spooking the normals. the thing is, i usually feel safe knowing that my past is behind me and i've learned from my mistakes and i'm not that guy. but with safety comes comfortability, which allows us to let our guard down, which sets us up to be completely blindsided; which is what ends up happening, more often than not. it's different than being set up for disappointment because at least then you know there's that chance, and deep down you're ready for it. but i wasn't - ready, that is - and when your legs get swept out from underneath you, getting right back up is not an option. you lay there, wondering what happened, asking what went wrong, and eventually demanding answers from anyone who might know, 'cause you have no idea.

i'm reminded of the old adage that goes "on the rocky mountain of life, you climb one step forward, but often slip two steps back." but i'm going to keep trying, keep "climbing," as it were. i'm not going to give up;

on her;
on us;
on lyfe.

def believe.

swear to blog

i'm loud. she likes that about me. i say what i think and i think she likes that about me, too... until i say the first thing that comes into my head and it's way inappropriate for our surrounding demographic, and yes, it's loud. now, a quick recovery would be appropriate in a situation like this. all the qualifying characteristics are there: unknowingly, apologetic when confronted, good intentions, etc. but when the subject - namely me - doesn't know he's loud... well he waits for conformation the "joke" was received and when he doesn't get it, he reiterates - probably louder. dig deeper, my friend. tar and feather, soon come.

but my bad. :)

i saw juno. it was really good. not the napolean-esque farce i was expecting, which was a relief. i dunno, i needed to see something that wasn't gosh's and geez's. so i loved it.

but it didn't make me any less an idiot. so it goes.

rocknroll.

who wants to open up the machine and rage against the gears?

it's like i can see the gears turning in your head; should you, will you, do you, want to? i never understood this powerless feeling until you sat gracefully on my lap and pressed your head into mine. only then could i actually hear the gears turning, and only then did i realize i couldn't escape if my life depended on it...

of course that's an exaggeration, but i was pretty damn helpless. a maelstrom, if you will, of surety and debt; flood and drought; short and stout...confusion set in is what i'm getting at. but see here is where i may lose you: i know what i want - you. and i know where i am - there; in my head where you are. asleep or awake, life is what it makes us harder, better, faster, stronger.

somewhere

somewhere someone's saying
sorry for the pain i caused you
somewhere birds are singing
notes to a forgotten tune
somewhere someone's doing
something just to make you happy
somewhere something said
is making someone start to cry

so if you're okay
then i'm okay
and that's okay with me

and it's always cold
when the cold wind blows
and your cold heart fears
what your cold heart knows
and i'm here
alone in
indecision

somewhere you are thinking
of the times we spent together
somewhere you are waiting
for someone to make your day
somewhere someone's thinking
of someway to make you love him
somewhere someone's doing
something just to make you proud

and it's always cold
when the cold wind blows
and your warm heart fears
what your warm heart knows
and i'm here
awaiting
your decision

somewhere you are reading this
and start to smile

the beauty that puts me at ease

she dreams a new reality
when the here and now fails to be
exactly what she hopes to see
when she wakes up next to me
so i savor every second she
is more content than she'll ever be
she smiles only when she sleeps
the beauty that puts me at ease
it's only then that i am free
to make believe she dreams of me
and remember when i used to be
the reason she'd be smiling

take it in all seriousness
sell it door to door
force it down the throats
of those who can't afford

before you leave

a minute fast, a day too late
a stain that no one admits they made
a glass half full of sour milk
is cause to cry before it's spilt

a cotton sheet covers leather seats
does comfort outweigh luxury
ten for a frown and a smile for five
a nickel short of happy lives

a love seat that was made for two
seats the lonely with more room
light bulbs burnt or never on
a take on life that's never wrong

an early morning, a heedless warning
a lifeless love that's all but boring
a car ride full of memories
a make-shift romance over seas

tell me i'm the reason you left
and i swear i'll make up every breath
tell me i was your only reason to stay
and i'll be here when you come back
someday

fair thee well

and this is
where the sheep go to slaughter
i see a room full of a passion
within a closet of pity

well, i see we here
walking through in a hazy hasbeen
my face sardonically saying
honestly, take my happens

i notice they make heroes out of
fall guys
pistolwhippers out of small fries
take mine, i failed honesty

the view from up here gives way
to haydays and in ten ways
prevents the recruitment
of wishing well penny savers

celling myself short

i'm taking extreme measures not to write a strongly worded letter to mtrla, makers of the razr. and i know i'm not the only one here, because both my brother and sister, for starters, have had issues with this very device from the beginning. apart from the infamous "white screen," my battery will no longer hold a charge. it didn't used to have this problem, but after i was on it for three hours straight last night - with no problems, i might add - my battery is no longer with us. sad, but oh so true.

and yes, we all wanna be big rockstars.



(now i'm so excited and i just can't hide it.)