swear to blog

i'm loud. she likes that about me. i say what i think and i think she likes that about me, too... until i say the first thing that comes into my head and it's way inappropriate for our surrounding demographic, and yes, it's loud. now, a quick recovery would be appropriate in a situation like this. all the qualifying characteristics are there: unknowingly, apologetic when confronted, good intentions, etc. but when the subject - namely me - doesn't know he's loud... well he waits for conformation the "joke" was received and when he doesn't get it, he reiterates - probably louder. dig deeper, my friend. tar and feather, soon come.

but my bad. :)

i saw juno. it was really good. not the napolean-esque farce i was expecting, which was a relief. i dunno, i needed to see something that wasn't gosh's and geez's. so i loved it.

but it didn't make me any less an idiot. so it goes.

rocknroll.

who wants to open up the machine and rage against the gears?

it's like i can see the gears turning in your head; should you, will you, do you, want to? i never understood this powerless feeling until you sat gracefully on my lap and pressed your head into mine. only then could i actually hear the gears turning, and only then did i realize i couldn't escape if my life depended on it...

of course that's an exaggeration, but i was pretty damn helpless. a maelstrom, if you will, of surety and debt; flood and drought; short and stout...confusion set in is what i'm getting at. but see here is where i may lose you: i know what i want - you. and i know where i am - there; in my head where you are. asleep or awake, life is what it makes us harder, better, faster, stronger.

somewhere

somewhere someone's saying
sorry for the pain i caused you
somewhere birds are singing
notes to a forgotten tune
somewhere someone's doing
something just to make you happy
somewhere something said
is making someone start to cry

so if you're okay
then i'm okay
and that's okay with me

and it's always cold
when the cold wind blows
and your cold heart fears
what your cold heart knows
and i'm here
alone in
indecision

somewhere you are thinking
of the times we spent together
somewhere you are waiting
for someone to make your day
somewhere someone's thinking
of someway to make you love him
somewhere someone's doing
something just to make you proud

and it's always cold
when the cold wind blows
and your warm heart fears
what your warm heart knows
and i'm here
awaiting
your decision

somewhere you are reading this
and start to smile

the beauty that puts me at ease

she dreams a new reality
when the here and now fails to be
exactly what she hopes to see
when she wakes up next to me
so i savor every second she
is more content than she'll ever be
she smiles only when she sleeps
the beauty that puts me at ease
it's only then that i am free
to make believe she dreams of me
and remember when i used to be
the reason she'd be smiling

take it in all seriousness
sell it door to door
force it down the throats
of those who can't afford

before you leave

a minute fast, a day too late
a stain that no one admits they made
a glass half full of sour milk
is cause to cry before it's spilt

a cotton sheet covers leather seats
does comfort outweigh luxury
ten for a frown and a smile for five
a nickel short of happy lives

a love seat that was made for two
seats the lonely with more room
light bulbs burnt or never on
a take on life that's never wrong

an early morning, a heedless warning
a lifeless love that's all but boring
a car ride full of memories
a make-shift romance over seas

tell me i'm the reason you left
and i swear i'll make up every breath
tell me i was your only reason to stay
and i'll be here when you come back
someday

fair thee well

and this is
where the sheep go to slaughter
i see a room full of a passion
within a closet of pity

well, i see we here
walking through in a hazy hasbeen
my face sardonically saying
honestly, take my happens

i notice they make heroes out of
fall guys
pistolwhippers out of small fries
take mine, i failed honesty

the view from up here gives way
to haydays and in ten ways
prevents the recruitment
of wishing well penny savers

celling myself short

i'm taking extreme measures not to write a strongly worded letter to mtrla, makers of the razr. and i know i'm not the only one here, because both my brother and sister, for starters, have had issues with this very device from the beginning. apart from the infamous "white screen," my battery will no longer hold a charge. it didn't used to have this problem, but after i was on it for three hours straight last night - with no problems, i might add - my battery is no longer with us. sad, but oh so true.

and yes, we all wanna be big rockstars.



(now i'm so excited and i just can't hide it.)

moving in and john bul dau

it's been a week and a half since i moved in to my new apartment. it's nice, roomy, and may i say i love whoever implemented that stain-hiding-brown should be the standard carpet color in all apartments. def a good call.

it's lonely. i miss someone terribly. and i don't think she'll ever realize what we could've had. i'm convinced i was used, but that's a whole other blog.

so i woke up this morning, got a cup of joe, and sat down to read another couple pages in what is the what (before my morning duties) when i remembered that john bul dau was speaking at fcc, and yes i had time, if i hurried. so i showered, dressed, slammed a zipfizz, and zipfizzed my way over to uc mckinley where i (hopefully) would be enlightened and intrigued. well, let me tell ya: no enlightening. no intriguing. and zipfizz gives me a headache.

okay, let me fill you in: what is the what is the latest by dave eggers and is a novelized biography of valentino achak deng, one of the sudanese children who escaped the war of 1983. these runaways were dubbed the "lost boys." so, imagine my excitement to hear that john bul dau, a lost boy now found, would be speaking. let alone the fact that god grew tired of us, a sundance award winning documentary based around his arrival and adaption to america, was amazing and thought-provoking...

so, imagine my disappointment when after an hour of this reader's digestesque lecture it was all an "if i can do it, so can you" ploy. i mean, wtf? no insights into the war? narrowly escaping death, famine, disease, bono? nothing but "i worked at mcdonald's and now i got a book deal and lecture tour, so america is land of opportunity." c'mon.

seriously, given the chance i'd lecture the fuck out of a tour. believe.

honestly, i swear

i've said it before, and i'm saying it again: i don't regret my past, 'cause i've learned from my mistakes and it's made me who i am today. but right now i'm missing someone terribly and at the same time regretting ever letting her know how i feel. i let her in and i'm thinking it's a simple case of getting my hopes up, but really...honestly, i'm guessing this is what karma in full force feels like. not to sound negative, and i've never been much of a self-defeatist, but...

this is what i get.

the little things? well - and i know i'm being so lame here - you never said ily back (last night or this morning) and you used to call me just to hear my voice - among other things. i honestly just think you're scared and are pulling away. i mean, you told me this would happen, but i never thought i'd be as helpless to stop it as i feel right now. what can i do? what can i say?

i know what i'm getting into, and can't wait!

there are two types of fear: the fear of being rejected and the fear of being accepted. both keep us alive, but also keep us from living, one more than the other. which one depends on who you are and who you love. love someone who takes life with a grain of salt, and be afraid of the first. love someone who savors every bite and fear the latter. i have come to realize that neither position is ideal for either party involved in such love, yet the outcome will soon destroy all hope of ever finding the one who no one can deny perfection.

as for us, i must say you have lovely eyes. how do you feel about that? because i couldn't care less. you fear the latter and i fear the first. we scare each other and that's the best love i could ever dream up.

i swear.

tonight

tonight we watch the stars, watching us
through however many miles of atmosphere
feeding our lust for life and each other
under cover of night and over anxious to do it right
this time - this us thing
so pull at my heart strings
and weave them together, yours and mine
and if the sun doesn't shine come morning,
i'll place you in the sky among the moon and stars
but until then, the night is ours for the taking
and tomorrow's dawn is ours for the breaking

dinah-moe humm-drumm...

well THAT explains it all.

damn hippies.

i'm a gee

everyone knows this. i just wanted to make sure your doubts are hereby eliminated. thus...word up.

so i finally found an apartment. it's nice and convenient, and comes with a refrigerator! i'll be in next friday, so ya'll should stop by and bring your favorite bottle. def.

so i'm listening to shostakovich's piano concerto #1 in c minor, op. 35 - 2. lento and i'm all at once jealous of and intimidated by my brother; no, dmitri and i are not related. the thing is, when i first started realizing how talented he was/is, i was way too messed up to admit it, let alone congratulate or encourage him. the reason i'm now fully aware of this, i think, is that it was because of my brother that i even heard of shostakovich, among the veritable cornucopia of music i've picked up from him over the years. and not only can i totally picture him playing this piece, i can see him composing something as or more amazing. hmmm...

i think i need to practice. apples and oranges are drums and piano, but nevertheless i need more fruit in my diet.

this is it...

the first day of the rest of my...week. and i can only hope it gets better from here.

in fact, i'm surprisingly optimistic considering my present circumstances, some of which some of you are aware, and some not; but in any case i feel good. i've reconnected with an old friend, something that's been long over due, and rekindled with unflagging speed a flame that never really went out. it's strange to think that the "full circle theory," which has recently been used to explain our "eternal universe," might very well apply to our daily lives and relationships. which isn't to say it's repetitive, but that it gives opportunity to reunite, resume, and rewrite an otherwise sloppy ending.

so i have 577.6mb left on my iPod and am pretty happy with my collection, however far from satisfied. with the latest additions being ravel plays ravel, ravel: complete works for solo piano, shostakovich - the jazz album (thanks drew), and goodie mob's complete discography, i now ask myself the question: why don't i ever have anything to listen to? i mean, once i get frustrated enough to put all 4433 songs on shuffle i like everything that ques, but damned if i can't rely on my own judgement to enjoy my music.

dammit.

tonight's not the night...

i used to make bets with my self, but i'd always lose
i used to be pro-choice 'til i gave up my right to choose
i used to walk the walk 'til i gave up my walking shoes
for combat boots; we're not fighting a war,
we're fighting to be on the evening news
i wanna abuse my rights - i wanna refuse to fight
ever since i got this freedom-of-speech thing down
i've been alright -
but tonight's not the night, or tomorrow night either
so why don't we take a breather with this bottle of ether
and we'll see a lot clearer and feel a hellofalot nearer
to the big guy with the beard and see that there's nothing to fear
now wait right here and i'll grab us a couple more beers
and we'll cheers to many more years left to laugh through the tears

hard times (i try)

hard times become white lines
white lines become a need
a need becomes a reason
to give up on being free
kids become adults
religion becomes a cult
dreams become nightmares
when new ideas lead to revolt
a beer becomes a six-pack
a six-pack becomes a fifth
a fifth leads to hard times
and still the cycle persists
if the present is a gift
and this is as good as it gets
when god becomes a myth
how many will find the will to exist
(one life, one love)
we need a healthy fear of
the war in the streets
more than some wrath from above
advice become ultimatums
suggestions become rules
morals become laws
(we set ourselves up to lose)
want becomes need
power becomes greed
a taste becomes an appetite
for the blood of the meek
the tired long for sleep
like these words long for a beat
and the undisputed champion of the world
longs for defeat

i try to starve for the hungry
but my own hunger's getting worse
i try to live for the present
but realize this gift's just a curse
i wanna skip to the chorus
and just say fuck this verse
so i decided to make this the chorus
that's why this song sounds so perverse
i try to get in the moment
but i'm out of my head
i tried so hard to be different
i ended up conforming instead
i wanna live life to its fullest
but sometimes i wish i were dead
so i could come back and ruin the ending
and make you regret the life you've led

fear upon people

fear is the epidemic
life is the symptom
death is the disease
love is the cure

les martyres du ciel

if this idle chatter
is any indication of
the matter at hand
over fist indignation
that the success of a nation
is based solely on the pacing
of the lies we tell
like what lies in hell
is merely heaven's wishing well
wishing well the martyrs
carted off in droves
won't somebody show me
'cause i need a change
of scenery
setting free
my every need
to breathe

the laws of silence

01. between two lovers:
a. in contentment
b. in awkwardness
c. in awe
d. often all of the above at once
02. in which the enemy waits
03. an effect of confusion...
a. followed by belligerence
04. in reverie of a person/event of significance
05. in abundance at dawn; absent at dusk
06. in extreme times
07. in times of extreme:
a. sorrow
b. euphoria
08. in the fog and fallen snow
09. in life as-well-as in death
10. savored by the innocent; suffered by the guilty
11. before the chaos and after the storm
12. the product of peace in times of war;
the product of war in times of defeat

comet & snowfall

i am a vagabond who travels alone
i am homely, but have no home to call my own
the failures of yesterday mark my path
dust kicked up from under disappointed, shuffled feet
i am a cave, dark and dank
i am shelter from the rain, yet
i haven't seen the sun in days
(or were it years)
i fear i am all but gone
trading snake oil for wolf tickets
i am not my ancestors
i am nothing you haven't seen before
and yet you seem surprised by my company

save staring eyes for comets and snow fall

i am a boy with imagination
i am a man with dreams
i am ocean calm; i am able to tear down cities
i am a lost cause; i am hope
i found life in a healthy fear of living
i found pride in humanity
(then lost it to shame
in favor of the blame game)
our obligations to our fathers' efforts at peace
were over-looked, pending a war
i am forever; i am never
i am accident; i am purpose
i am a liar
(i swore i wouldn't turn out like my father)

whistling winds howl to compete with underground screams;
the souls are restless, oh yes
i am not popular, culture or otherwise
i am no lover, nor fighter
but a lover of fire
burning crop circles in your fruited plains
i am desert winds; i am a cool breeze
i will not be;
i will not cease;
i will not rust nor shine
i will not feed the beast
(the beast is me)

i am comet
i am snowfall
i am destruction; i am pure
i am everyone you know
yet no one you've met -

yet.

r i d e

i'll never ride the bullet,
but i ride the lightning in the dead of night,
seeking and destroying
every shadow caused by the light you shed
on this underfed, underdressed,
overworked and overstressed wreck,
screaming all the lyrics
to every song you ever inspired
less the dead should wake
and mistake my right to life as made
to dig an early grave, i may
persuade these delegates to wave
my right to lay awake and fake
an interest in my fate
'cause in the wake of just-in-case
is place-your-bets-with-haste
forget your good intentions,
but don't forget to mention
how you've come this far
and for what i'll reckon is a
farce as far as luck's concerned
and as sure a thing as fire burns

ignorance derides truth

if ignorance is bliss
then i must be in agony
eyes wide shut full
of murder beats and misogyny
if you wanna find me
i'll be in the back with a half-assed
mack-truck grin
waiting for your set to begin

rocknroll.

loss of innocence imminent

shakey hands, steady
palms getting sweaty
head heavy
i'm hardly ready
loss of innocence, imminent

pick a point among the stars
and that's where i'll die
to be the one that watches over you
forever from the sky
above the noise, the traffic, the city scape
above the ploys, the havoc, the high stakes
the ones that make sure you're okay
are the ones who make the most mistakes

goddamn, god blessed me

i can't remember the past
let alone my name
i can't ignore the signs
not to mention the pain
i can't acheive my goals
if i don't break this chain
and i'll never be a winner
if i don't play the game
fuck finding a vein,
i get high on life
at least that's what i tell myself
to sleep at night
and this track's all that's
keeping me alive
i tried life once
but couldn't ever get it right
with a roll of the dice
i follow their advice
to shoot the crap spat
from a snake eye's vice

i never knew as much as
i know this second
i know how to hold the weapon
but lack the discretion
hair trigger shot the teacher
before he finished the lesson
so maybe we should get a bite
and then fuck out of spite
i might actually learn something
if you teach it right
and i might go to heaven
if this preacher's right

he's saying: stop, look,
listen to the voices
the only thing we'll ever be
are products of our choices
so bring your egos to try me,
test me, choose to lose,
goddamn, god blessed me

the rightful owner's manual labor workers union

leanin' out the window
of my car with a cocked shotgun
taking cheaper shots at your
mailboxes just for funds
i know it may sound dumb
but it's the only thing that gets me by
the day by day grind
like looking odin in the eye
flutter butterfly, terror of the skies
now watch me dive bomb
taking over the night
just to eclipse the sun when it dawns
get up off your feet
and shuffle these streets
cut the deck, pull a queen,
and finding out what cheating truly means
fleeting glances stolen from the
rightful owner's manual labor workers union
make 'em fight for what we've got
while ignoring the "dudes, you rock,"
preferring deez beats to what you're not;
a solid rhythm played on pots and pans
clap your hands to make
the rubber band man dance
this damn monkey's dance

speaking for the both of me

i've waited, i've waited
way too fucking long
to come to some conclusion;
to finish our song
that was started way back
when my life was on track
when i had some direction,
some matter of fact,
but that's not how it happened
i tried to be happy
without you, but that's just too
impossible, you do
not wanna question this
how can you question it
is not unexpected to
throw a coniption fit
oh, pardon me,
you do not wanna see
how it really could be
if you'd just fucking see
the forest for the trees
and forget the damn bees
'cause this shit's for the birds
and just way too absurd
to give a second glance
beyond getting in your pants
i mean asking you to dance
i mean giving me a chance -
again - 'cause it should be a sin
that we're not what we could've been
like we were then
when we were just friends
'cause even that would be better
than what we have now
talking once every six months
if only you'd allow me
the privilege of your time
making me rewind
to how i felt when i laid eyes
on you for the first time -
i never thought
that i would get caught
in the middle of a plot
where you and i are not
together for better or
worse, through the weather,
the curses that come with each new
verse, you can bet it hurts

so when will it end,
this incessant "just friends"
when can i stop pretending
these feelings aren't in me...

okay, i take it all back
well, not the truth, just the words
that i spoke to give slack to the rope
i had hoped would give us the
chance we deserve, but...

give it up for sounding absurd.

just for a moment, love

if i weren't here
if i weren't who i am to you
if i were merely someone
on the brink of understanding
everything you are

if i weren't here
among the words you speak
under the very feet
you use to walk away from me

if i were merely here
to listen to every
word that carries
every bit of me away
would you mind if i stayed
just for a moment, love

if i weren't here
if i weren't every bit
the man you can't stand
would you mind if i
took your hand in mine
just for a moment, love

this scene is nothing new

guy walks down a road he knows
he's wandered many times before
looking for something, someone,
somehow, some reason to ignore
the signs that flash their lights in spite
of night's desire to overcome
the moon and all it thinks itself
so sure its stand against the sun
through gutter trash and safety glass
he wades neck deep and waits for sleep
in lieu of picket fences painted
red to match these bloodied streets
and though this scene is nothing new
to him whose paths diverged once more
whose woods give way to meadows
just may find his shelter from the storm